still very much feeling sadness, ennui, and outright depression at times. it comes and goes.
today I ran a buncha errands so that I could cook food for us for the weekend trip (it's a cabin-out, somewhere down the coast. we have to bring food, bedding etc but at least we are not going to be sleeping in tents.) I made chili con can (it's actually really good even though it does mostly come from cans) a curried bean soup, a tasty red wine risotto which will have roasted baby peppers added to it, and picked up a few items which don't need any prep. tomorrow I'll be vac-sealing it all in preparation for leaving on fryday.
that's all great. not so great: I am still working on wrapping my brain around the fact that one of my best friends is gone, really and truly gone, and she isn't coming back. occasionally I just have to stop and get a grip.
it's a bitter pill to have to swallow.
what makes it worse is that I don't make friends that easily. probably all of you reading this are more dear to me than you even realize, because I don't open up that easily. this was not the case with Allison - we really bonded and we could and did talk about anything. no topic was off limits, I was hardly ever too shy to really tell her what I was thinking. hell, I often asked for advice - her advice was always compassionate (towards all involved, not just me) and totally excellent. she never ever gave me bad advice, and she had the ability to be encouraging even when the news was not so good.
I even asked questions, though I've never been very comfortable with that as I was raised not to "pry". I'd like to get past that conditioning and let my friends be responsible for setting their boundaries around me, because this habit, polite though it may be, has not stood me in good stead in several important relationships. I always sort of figure that if you want me to know something, you will tell me, but that is not necessarily the case all the time, so I want to learn to ask more. it would be a good memorial to her. I think I'm also going to teach myself a new makeup trick or two in her honor as well.
so anyway, I'm going forward, not easily, but as best I can.
thanks again for all your support and love. it means a LOT, and has helped me greatly.