so, tonight i went to a gathering of friends of Allison's. it's still really weird... yet it really helped.
I think I am officially in the "numb" stage - but at the same time I am starting to get used to the idea that one of my best friends ever is really and truly gone. i am nibbling 'round the concept of being mad that she's gone, but I'm just not there yet.
initially, i was told that she'd killed herself, then it was revised to "likely" she'd killed herself. i don't know about all that.
i do know that she did not have an easy time in life and that she had many sorrows. i also knew her as strong, vibrant, full of love and hope. it really just doesn't square, at all.
what i know *for sure* right now is that we don't know.
personally, I am really really feeling that it had to have been accidental or at least mostly accidental, just because I keep hearing about long range plans she'd made. hell, she'd just quit smoking not long ago! why bother quitting smoking if you are only going to off yourself?!
also... last summer she'd been offered a dream job with Shu Uemura (brilliant makeup artist that she was) which would have required her to move to Chicago, and after much contemplation she turned it down so as not to be so far away from Gabriel.
these are long range plans. she planned to be here. so i just can't get my head around the idea that it could have been intentional.
she was such a good friend to me. we went really deep - amazingly, stunningly deep. even though sometimes there were times when we didn't see each other or talk for some time, it didn't seem to matter. whenever we did catch up we always really connected.
damn, i love(d) that girl.
no, no d - not even parenthetically. i LOVE her. still.
we used to joke that I was her mom (because she'd borrow my car to drive down to see Gabriel. "Hey Mom, can I borrow the car?") it was sweet and fun. she said i was "the best mom I'll never have" and in turn, she was SO "the best daughter i'll never have" - it was just like that.
the truth (which we both knew, and even discussed) was that she was every bit as much *my* "mom" as I was hers - she always gave the best advice, and she had the uncanny ability to not only truly see things from your perspective, but also to see the angle that you (me) were too close to things to see.
you never think you'll outlive your daughter - or your mother. somehow i've managed to outlive a daughter and two mothers...
she was totally empathetic and selfless with her advice, and the way she loved me reminds me so much of how my mom loved me - fiercely, with great understanding, and completely without caveat or compromise.
my mom also left this world far too soon (on december 25th, 1993) and the parallels between these two amazing women just have me croggled. i was fortunate to knwo them both, and to have the time that i had with them.
i do know that Allison loved me (and thank you so much mr_heathen for reminding me.) i loved her right back. I know she knew it. and that helps a lot right now.
i'm not ok with it. but i am starting to get used to it, whether i want to or not.
i'm really glad i went out tonight to see people. i'm not alone - but it is up to me to see that and to reach out to make the connection.
thanks to eveyone who has gotten this far reading my laments, i TOTALLY appreciate all of the sweet thoughts and kind comments!
i do miss her so.
onward, through the fog...