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gaining some perspective - adventures of a red-headed stepchild in the house of love
mermaid on the mic
gaining some perspective
first off i want to thank everyone who has given me such kind and caring comments. your words are much appreciated, and you have helped me to feel less alone and lost.

so, tonight i went to a gathering of friends of Allison's. it's still really weird... yet it really helped.

I think I am officially in the "numb" stage - but at the same time I am starting to get used to the idea that one of my best friends ever is really and truly gone. i am nibbling 'round the concept of being mad that she's gone, but I'm just not there yet.

initially, i was told that she'd killed herself, then it was revised to "likely" she'd killed herself. i don't know about all that.

i do know that she did not have an easy time in life and that she had many sorrows. i also knew her as strong, vibrant, full of love and hope. it really just doesn't square, at all.

what i know *for sure* right now is that we don't know.

personally, I am really really feeling that it had to have been accidental or at least mostly accidental, just because I keep hearing about long range plans she'd made. hell, she'd just quit smoking not long ago! why bother quitting smoking if you are only going to off yourself?!

also... last summer she'd been offered a dream job with Shu Uemura (brilliant makeup artist that she was) which would have required her to move to Chicago, and after much contemplation she turned it down so as not to be so far away from Gabriel.

these are long range plans. she planned to be here. so i just can't get my head around the idea that it could have been intentional.

she was such a good friend to me. we went really deep - amazingly, stunningly deep. even though sometimes there were times when we didn't see each other or talk for some time, it didn't seem to matter. whenever we did catch up we always really connected.

damn, i love(d) that girl.

no, no d - not even parenthetically. i LOVE her. still.

we used to joke that I was her mom (because she'd borrow my car to drive down to see Gabriel. "Hey Mom, can I borrow the car?") it was sweet and fun. she said i was "the best mom I'll never have" and in turn, she was SO "the best daughter i'll never have" - it was just like that.

the truth (which we both knew, and even discussed) was that she was every bit as much *my* "mom" as I was hers - she always gave the best advice, and she had the uncanny ability to not only truly see things from your perspective, but also to see the angle that you (me) were too close to things to see.

you never think you'll outlive your daughter - or your mother. somehow i've managed to outlive a daughter and two mothers...


she was totally empathetic and selfless with her advice, and the way she loved me reminds me so much of how my mom loved me - fiercely, with great understanding, and completely without caveat or compromise.

my mom also left this world far too soon (on december 25th, 1993) and the parallels between these two amazing women just have me croggled. i was fortunate to knwo them both, and to have the time that i had with them.

i do know that Allison loved me (and thank you so much mr_heathen for reminding me.) i loved her right back. I know she knew it. and that helps a lot right now.

i'm not ok with it. but i am starting to get used to it, whether i want to or not.

i'm really glad i went out tonight to see people. i'm not alone - but it is up to me to see that and to reach out to make the connection.

thanks to eveyone who has gotten this far reading my laments, i TOTALLY appreciate all of the sweet thoughts and kind comments!

i do miss her so.

onward, through the fog...

I'm hearing: superstar (sonic youth? husker du?) cover

20 smooches or Gimme Some Love!
silverseabear From: silverseabear Date: December 14th, 2006 08:59 am (UTC) (Link)
I didn't respond before, out of never knowing what to say.

I'm sorry always seems so lame, but what else is there?

Glad you're feeling a little more solidly grounded or so.

Keep taking care of yourself.
technopatra From: technopatra Date: December 14th, 2006 09:34 am (UTC) (Link)
I was so sorry to hear about Allison, I didn't know her, but several of my friends did.

I contacted my friend who runs LJ Support, and asked her to make Allison's LJ a memorial journal. It'll be there pretty much forever. Please let her friends know.
From: kshandra Date: December 14th, 2006 06:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
So I don't hijack this post, would you ping me in email about this concept?
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: November 5th, 2010 11:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
just writing to say thank you for doing this. at the time I was in way too much pain to thank you personally and I want to rectify that now (I happen to be going through old entries today, for an unrelated purpose).

thank you. it means a lot.
technopatra From: technopatra Date: November 5th, 2010 11:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
You are so welcome, M. I hated my job at LJ, but was at least able to get this one good thing done there.

methanopyrus From: methanopyrus Date: December 14th, 2006 12:51 pm (UTC) (Link)

my sympathy to you

I knew Allison much less well and feel grieved to hear the news. silverseabear just told me you and I are both her friends which is how I came to read your journal this morning. Take care!
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 15th, 2006 10:14 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: my sympathy to you

thank you.
zoe_serious From: zoe_serious Date: December 14th, 2006 01:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Like technopatra I didn't know her but many friends in SF did. I would love to talk with you on the phone if you're up for it since I went through this a couple of years ago and it's hard and your reactions will change and they might not happen in the same order or timeline as others around you. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself as much patience and understanding about your grief process as you would give to a best friend. Allow yourself to be angry, sad, horrified, upset, numb, whatever it is that you need to be. You are loved.

If you would like to chat you can reach me via my SF number at 4to1to5 a4a6a2-0640. I will be home about 5pm your time tonight and the same Friday night (I'm staying in Friday night).

Big hugs.
headlouse From: headlouse Date: December 14th, 2006 04:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
I would guess that few people plan their lives around suicide. Most likely, it's feeling that they squash down as they try to live life the best they can -- even going so far as to make future plans.

We don't yet know the official word, and we won't know for a while. However, considering what I know of the situation and who she was, I'm leaning towards it being intentional. It shocks me and saddens me, but I don't feel that it's an incredulous idea.
From: catwoman69y2k Date: December 14th, 2006 05:17 pm (UTC) (Link)

Closure is hard

I have kind of held my tongue looking for the right thing to say. What you reflect about this death is what made me realize that had I been older when someone I knew committed suicide, I would of probably had very similiar words and feelings.

With my father, I never got closure. The mystery remains in the family of why he did what he did. I have tried to let the matter rest because I wont know until I too turn to dust. Still, it nags at me to not know how a life could be there one day and gone the next.

I wish you the best of luck M. Keep trodding thorugh the fog and clarity will await you. Life has many mysteries I guess. *hugs*
lifeasjuicy From: lifeasjuicy Date: December 14th, 2006 05:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
I don't want to guess, and really, it doesn't matter so much to me how, just that it is.

I am done with school after tonight's performance and would really like to spend time with my peeps...please let me know of any more gatherings.

I love you. I hear you. I'm with you.
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 15th, 2006 10:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
there is a memorial sunday at noon at CMR in SF. ping me if you need the address.

and let's definitely have lunch or something soon. tues, weds, thursdays are best for me.
adameros From: adameros Date: December 14th, 2006 05:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
Not snallison, was it? :-(
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 15th, 2006 10:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
i'm afraid so. sorry for you to find out this way. sometimes the internets bring the suck.
From: kshandra Date: December 14th, 2006 06:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
so, tonight i went to a gathering of friends of Allison's. it's still really weird... yet it really helped.

I'm glad it helped. *hugs offered*
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 15th, 2006 10:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
thank you.
todfox From: todfox Date: December 14th, 2006 07:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm sorry for your loss. I am glad your friend had people who loved her, and that you have people who love you to support you now.
silverfae From: silverfae Date: December 14th, 2006 07:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
BIG hug.
From: (Anonymous) Date: December 15th, 2006 02:54 am (UTC) (Link)

sending you hugs

Oh, M, I am so sorry for your loss. I didn't know Allison, but I can tell she was a very special person. I have survived the loss of an important person through suicide (although that may not be the case here), and it's so frigging hard. It leaves you with anger and guilt as well as just plain missing the person. It's really hard.

I don't have much to offer, but if you need some kitten therapy, I'm here with hugs and kittens.

bearfairie From: bearfairie Date: December 15th, 2006 10:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hey babe.

I'm not online much but just saw your post and wanted to offer my utmost condolences. My partner's brother killed himself a year ago, and yeah. There's no softening it, no comfort to be found really. It aches and we blame ourselves and we love/hate/love/hate/love them but they're gone and it doesn't matter what we do, they're not coming back, and past a certain point there isn't anything left to do but cry.

I know after J died my partner and I both just spent a lot of time really connecting with all the folks we still have here. I made my sisters crazy calling them every day just to hear their voices and know they're still there, but it was the best thing for me, just the reassurance that there are still people whom I love who are still around. Didn't bring J back of course, but helped in its own way.

I know we don't know each other very well, but if you ever need to talk to someone who's lost someone that way, please feel free to contact me.

much love,
the bear
20 smooches or Gimme Some Love!