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What a day... ugh - adventures of a red-headed stepchild in the house of love — LiveJournal
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What a day... ugh
So today I had lunch with teh ExBF, and it was... challenging.

I think this kind of processing is probably something we need to go through in order to be able to deal with each other, so overall it is probably a good thing. But I found it really exhausting, especially when it came to how very different our perceptions about various events of the past year seem to be.

Afterwards I was tired, and just not good for much.

It didn't help that on the way there, first I missed the exit on the freeway and had to go way out of the way before I could exit, and then I was very nearly in an accident (the closest I have ever come!) because some jerk didn't know where he was going, whipped his car back into my lane (after being almost completely turned onto another street) and proceeded to drive like a jackass, all the while having a carfight with the person in the car with him. I had to slam on the brakes so hard that I could feel the antilock mechanism working. I was proud of myself for avoiding the accident - it wasn't easy.

The lunch started out fine, and ended ok, but overall it was just... draining.

Well, here is hoping that we can move past this stuff. I am letting him borrow the van and am being very accommodating around that, so hopefully he'll see that it is in his best interest to chill out.

(On a more positive note, the spaghetti sauce I made tonight ROXXORED!!!) ; )

Tyord... time for bed.

I'm feeling: tired tyord

7 smooches or Gimme Some Love!
silverseabear From: silverseabear Date: December 14th, 2005 10:31 am (UTC) (Link)
I'd love to get some ideas and insights on how yoiu deal with processing with th ex. I'mn trying really hard to be cool with mine, but it's getting difficult. Any tips to keep from learning to hate someone you used to love with everything, in order to keep from breaking your heart over and over?
todfox From: todfox Date: December 14th, 2005 10:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
My unsolicited ideas:
1) Focus on what was good. Remember the good times, and recognize their validity and reality -- even if the relationship didn't last, the things that were good are still good, even if in the past. So...
2)... focusing on what you've learned and can take away from the relationship and bring to your future interactions with self and others can help the sour ending from tarnishing the good parts too much.
3) Know when to take a break and stop contact for a while. Maybe you can be friends or at least friendly in a few months or even a year or two, but sometimes things are still too fresh.

I don't know your situation at all obviously but I hope this helps.
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 15th, 2005 08:05 am (UTC) (Link)
Good advice there, Kit.

I would add a few thoughts:

Remember that every situation is different.
Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't go as you'd hoped or planned.
And especially remember that you can choose to disengage if the interaction is becoming unproductive or negative. Like Kit says, sometimes you need a break.

Also, don't forget that it is all a proccess - you can't just flip a switch and have it be all better.

Really, I have no answers. In my case, I chose to end the relationship, against the wishes of my (now ex) partner. Part of his unhappiness around that has to do with the fact that I was letting him live with me without paying rent. He misses this relatively cush situation (not surprisingly). But I can't feel too badly about it. I helped him as much as I could while our relationship was good, and now that it has ended he is on his own. It is not my responsibility to take care of him.

Part of the conversation we had yesterday came down to me trying to convince him that he is actually better off now - he can do whatever he wants to make himself happy without having to worry about how his actions or choices affect me. Sometimes, he can see that. When he can't, or when he becomes too directive or forceful, I disengage and walk away.

You are smart, and I know you will find your way through this.

todfox From: todfox Date: December 14th, 2005 10:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Good for you, friend, for working on the hard processing. I hope it pays off for you.
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 15th, 2005 08:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks. It's all a process - I guess that's why they call it processing. ; )

I'm hoping to be able to remain friends. If I'm not met halfway with this, however, I am totally prepared to disengage completely. I do still care about him, but I am not about to let that affect me in unhealthy ways.

Thanks for the comments! I'm actually in a much better space than I was a year ago... I've been looking at old posts and I can really see how far I have come. I am MUCH happier and calmer now!
kerigirl From: kerigirl Date: December 15th, 2005 12:15 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm sorry that you are going through this...I can relate!
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 15th, 2005 08:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, sweetie. Big hugs to you!
7 smooches or Gimme Some Love!