The sorting project is coming along. It is a real drag to have to spend time every day facing so many sad memories, but that is the only way I can release myself from them, I know. It's really got me down the last few days though, and I am always SO ready to finish up and have a glass of wine in the evenings. Usually I'm in much better spirits for new years. This year I've had to keep reminding myself of the good things that surround me, because of all the old sadness that has been at the forefront, dragging me down.
I did have nice phone calls with Gran and Munchie yesterday. Munchie and I are planning to have dinner sometime soon, to catch up. It was really fun talking with her, and I'm looking forward to connecting more. She very graciously said she'd take the old family photos that I don't have room for. I loved having them displayed in my front hall at Capp St, but here I just don't have the space. Munchie (and her two children) are the only other people they mean anything to now, so I'm glad she wants them.
It's weird opening the boxes and seeing all my Mom's things again. My poor Mom... I KNOW it was her life, and her choice (for whatever reason) not to try to get to a better place. Why, I'll never understand. She was always doing things to help others, but she couldn't help herself. At the end especially she seemed so stuck, though it was clearly a badly toxic environment for her. She had all these books about people who survived the holocaust or Russian prison camps, and went on to survive and make a better life. Hers seemed just the opposite... it was better when she was younger, and in the end she was imprisoned in her own horrible situation. There is NOTHING I can do about this, there wasn't then (I tried to talk her into leaving but she wouldn't hear of it) and there sure as hell isn't anything I can do about it now, but cry. Not that that does a damn bit of good, of course... but that doesn't stop me.
My Mom was an amazing person. I loved her deeply. She was a wonderful friend to me, and our time together was far too brief. She understood me better than anyone else in my family ever has or is likely to, and I miss being able to talk to her, even after so much time. Part of the reason it's taken me such a long time to deal with her stuff is that I feel so sad and helpless all over again, and frustrated. All I could ever do was love her, and it just plain wasn't enough.
Sorry to be so negative today, but that's just where my head's been at. I'm very much looking forward to having the day off from it tomorrow, to brunch with friends and relax. I need a good dose of the present to help get me back to my usual positive outlook. I'm supposed to spin at a little party tonight, very informal... and frankly I'm seriously considering not, even though I'm lending my speakers. My heart's just not in it at the moment. Hopefully I'll feel better when I get there and see my friends' smiling faces and have a little champagne. Out with the old, in with the new! See you next year!