red-headed stepchild in the house of love (djmermaid) wrote,
red-headed stepchild in the house of love

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I suppose you could say I went looking for trouble... although, that's not really fair. it wasn't *trouble* I was looking for, per se. but... I did open a window into a past that I knew to have been fraught. (it kinda goes back to the "if you don't want to know the answer, don't ask" thing, which is very relevant to tarot as well.)

so, I was clicking around on facebook (finally held my nose and set up an account in order to be able to see friends' photos) when I thought it might be cool to see if any of my old theater geek pals from high school were there. there aren't that many people I'd be looking to contact again, but I did have a few good friends who I'm curious about. I didn't find anyone at first so I started searching on other names I remembered - people who I wasn't necessarily friends with, but who I thought might be FOAFs.

eventually, I found a favourite old friend! browsing through her flist, I found another good theater pal, a fellow band geek who I always admired but wasn't close to, someone I'd acted alongside who seemed not to have aged a day, a number of names I barely recognized, and then the face of some guy who used to beat me up in jr high school popped up. eww!

this snapped me back into the present, and I reflected on how glad I am to have escaped my sordid/lame past. really, it wasn't all that sordid. although... there is the matter of the 4th of july my senior year. oh, that. remembering it brings to mind all the recent talk about Polanski in the media, and people like Whoopi Goldberg and others who I would have expected better of, defending him for forcing himself on a drugged-out 13 year old. um, yes it WAS "rape-rape" - he admitted as much in court! and the girl being too fucked up to defend herself does NOT equal consent.

let me tell you how I know *that*.

you probably would rather not know, hmm?

well, like I said it was the 4th of July. I was 16, not 13, and the boy was more or less the same age. I'd willingly been drinking (with a group of friends, who - ironically enough - had brought me along with them to the next place specifically so my parents wouldn't find me at home drunk and beat me up for it). I was very drunk... but, unfortunately, not drunk enough not to remember.

it was AWFUL. HORRIBLE. incredibly violating. I ultimately could not stop him and I felt it was all my fault. I had a boyfriend who I was very much in love with and who I thought would be disgusted and therefor never want to touch me again. (he was actually incredibly wonderful and understanding and really helped me heal around what happened. being loved makes such a difference.)

have I forgiven the guy? well... not really, but I have forgiven myself, and most of the time that is enough.

so, back to Polanski. I was initially shocked that so many people would step up to defend him for what is such a heinous, violating act, to which he confessed and for which there is not a patch of justification - no matter how you look at it. (for shame, Natalie Portman et al!) but, thinking on this, I realized that the reason they are doing so is because we are actually seeing a celebrity double-standard - which in this case is working *against* Polanski.

do you think the "authorities" would give a shit about my rape case, which was more recent by several years? hells NO! they are going after Polanski because he is well known. that's not really fair, I admit. but, think about it - it is a heinous crime. it fucks with you in a deep way, and for a long time after, no matter how "well adjusted" you are. so ultimately I have to say that I'm glad they are pursuing it.

Chris Rock actually said it best: "The United States, we want to capture Osama Bin Laden, and murder him. We don't want to rape him - that would be barbaric!"

Tags: ack, craptastic, heavy, living well is the best revenge, poor me, ugh

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