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I suppose you could say I went looking for trouble... although,… - adventures of a red-headed stepchild in the house of love
mermaid on the mic
I suppose you could say I went looking for trouble... although, that's not really fair. it wasn't *trouble* I was looking for, per se. but... I did open a window into a past that I knew to have been fraught. (it kinda goes back to the "if you don't want to know the answer, don't ask" thing, which is very relevant to tarot as well.)

so, I was clicking around on facebook (finally held my nose and set up an account in order to be able to see friends' photos) when I thought it might be cool to see if any of my old theater geek pals from high school were there. there aren't that many people I'd be looking to contact again, but I did have a few good friends who I'm curious about. I didn't find anyone at first so I started searching on other names I remembered - people who I wasn't necessarily friends with, but who I thought might be FOAFs.

eventually, I found a favourite old friend! browsing through her flist, I found another good theater pal, a fellow band geek who I always admired but wasn't close to, someone I'd acted alongside who seemed not to have aged a day, a number of names I barely recognized, and then the face of some guy who used to beat me up in jr high school popped up. eww!

this snapped me back into the present, and I reflected on how glad I am to have escaped my sordid/lame past. really, it wasn't all that sordid. although... there is the matter of the 4th of july my senior year. oh, that. remembering it brings to mind all the recent talk about Polanski in the media, and people like Whoopi Goldberg and others who I would have expected better of, defending him for forcing himself on a drugged-out 13 year old. um, yes it WAS "rape-rape" - he admitted as much in court! and the girl being too fucked up to defend herself does NOT equal consent.

let me tell you how I know *that*.

you probably would rather not know, hmm?

well, like I said it was the 4th of July. I was 16, not 13, and the boy was more or less the same age. I'd willingly been drinking (with a group of friends, who - ironically enough - had brought me along with them to the next place specifically so my parents wouldn't find me at home drunk and beat me up for it). I was very drunk... but, unfortunately, not drunk enough not to remember.

it was AWFUL. HORRIBLE. incredibly violating. I ultimately could not stop him and I felt it was all my fault. I had a boyfriend who I was very much in love with and who I thought would be disgusted and therefor never want to touch me again. (he was actually incredibly wonderful and understanding and really helped me heal around what happened. being loved makes such a difference.)

have I forgiven the guy? well... not really, but I have forgiven myself, and most of the time that is enough.

so, back to Polanski. I was initially shocked that so many people would step up to defend him for what is such a heinous, violating act, to which he confessed and for which there is not a patch of justification - no matter how you look at it. (for shame, Natalie Portman et al!) but, thinking on this, I realized that the reason they are doing so is because we are actually seeing a celebrity double-standard - which in this case is working *against* Polanski.

do you think the "authorities" would give a shit about my rape case, which was more recent by several years? hells NO! they are going after Polanski because he is well known. that's not really fair, I admit. but, think about it - it is a heinous crime. it fucks with you in a deep way, and for a long time after, no matter how "well adjusted" you are. so ultimately I have to say that I'm glad they are pursuing it.

Chris Rock actually said it best: "The United States, we want to capture Osama Bin Laden, and murder him. We don't want to rape him - that would be barbaric!"


Tags: , , , , ,
I'm feeling: cynical cynical
I'm hearing: Roy Thode Morning set @ The Saint, 1980

6 smooches or Gimme Some Love!
evilmommytina From: evilmommytina Date: October 8th, 2009 03:19 pm (UTC) (Link)

You and I share...

way too many similarities in our pasts for it to be just folly that we are reading of each others experience. Can I just say... knowing you, even if it is only ever in this forum, has been a wonderful asset to my life.

Thank you M.

You are a strong, powerful, empowering and human work of loveliness.

catwoman69y2k.insanejournal.com From: catwoman69y2k.insanejournal.com Date: October 8th, 2009 03:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
Amazing that you have the courage to tell your story now. I honestly have to say that I like this Mermaid alot. Now I know that your strength has come from a dark place that you put some light into. Your house of love continues to build and Im glad you can stand above that hole from where you climbed, triumphant.
bearfairie From: bearfairie Date: October 9th, 2009 06:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
aaah fb. it's intense, isn't it? I signed on and immediately had a handful of folks who used to taunt me endlessly in high school immediately try and "friend" me with declarations of "OMG HOW ARE YOU I MISS U!" um, really? but we hated one another in HS.

I'm so sorry to hear you had to live through that. I had a situation in high school nearly identical, except I was at another school's prom, got raped by two guys and my date decided I was a slut. None of this shit is pretty, noone's situation is better or worse, it's all just awful. I am also appalled at this Polanski business.

But one thing I do know, is that you're an incredible, strong, powerful, and loving person. The assholes didn't take any of that from you. And you're a person I'm really glad to know.

*sending hugs if you want 'em*
crimsonmau From: crimsonmau Date: November 6th, 2009 10:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you for sharing your story! I was raped when I was 20 by my 30 year old boyfriend...that is when I lost my virginity. I actually blocked out the experience not realizing what had happened until years later when I was taking a sociology class. I had a paper to write and I chose rape as my topic. It was like opening up the flood gates of memories. I forgave myself, but it took many years to forgive him. In fact it wasn't until I saw him many, many years later and I was out with my boyfriend (now my beloved husband)....the jerk off acted like he didn't know me. We were visiting some friends at a SCA picnic and my ex was part of the SCA. I hadn't seen him in years. In fact our breakup was just him not calling me anymore after he met two other girls at a SCI-FI convention. I was very naive to his charms.

djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: November 7th, 2009 02:17 am (UTC) (Link)
hugs back! it's always shocking to realize how *many* of us had to go through this. thank you for your kind words.
crimsonmau From: crimsonmau Date: November 11th, 2009 11:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yes, it is....***BIG HUGS****
6 smooches or Gimme Some Love!