December 21st, 2010


fuck you, George Balanchine

 went to a "let's watch a couple of the movies nominated for oscars" party last night.  since scary movies give me bad dreams, I decided to call ahead to ask what they were going to screen (I'm not leaving the house if its the hurt locker or something like that - I know that was last year, I'm just sayin').  so they told me they were going to see a film about ballet dancers and that facebook movie.  cool!

so. black swan.  if you want to see this movie, don't read on.  I don't give all that many spoilers, but I do pan the shit out of it.

ok, so I have never seen such misogynistic *lighting* or cinematography in a film before.  I mean, you'd think, Natalie Portman and Winona Ryder in a movie about dancers: what could possibly go wrong?!  

well, turns out it is by the requiem for a dream guy.  it was fucking bleak.  it's like Showgirls, but two whole hours of the rape scene, and *nothing* else.  no highlights, no relief.  even when good things happen to the protagonist, it makes her barf (well, she was probably going to do that anyway) and also scratch herself.  and it just gets worse and worse and worse and worse.  and worse.

why the fuck do people who are that negative even bother to get out of bed in the morning, much less go to the trouble of making movies to make the rest of us as miserable as they are?!  I could not wait for it to be over.  

and, it had a lot of blood for a "dance film".  like really, a LOT.  it was more like a slasher film with chicks.  (really skinny chicks.)  also, that guy does not actually understand women and you can totally tell.  I would not date him if he were the last person on earth.  

oh, and really, a nail file!?!  cliche, anyone?!?  AND he felt the need to repeat everything over and over and over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER.  


(and that is D MINUS, not a broken emoticon, yo)

what does he think we are, a bunch of drunks?

well I tell ya what.  I came up with a black swan drinking game: take a drink any time something triggering or depressing happens, or you see blood, or ribs, or when they make a point they have already made more than once.  or if you see that chick's back tattoo.  it'll make the movie MUCH more tolerable, I promise!

ETA: if you miss a drink, you have to clip your nails!  and if you see two triggering things in less than a minute, you have to throw up your drink because alcohol is so caloric!  tip o' the shotglass to Gwen P for those!

eating disorder humor: it's what's for breakfast!

but, yeah.  seriously the most depressing thing I've seen in a long time.  the company of friends (and the booze) made it tolerable (barely).  had I been in a theater, I'd have walked out.

so then we watched the social networking film which was funny, and made Zoidberg look like an ass (as promised) but at that point my heart just wasn't in it. B?

I'm not really seeing oscar material in either one of these (and I'm not sure what else was even nominated) but considering the Wrestler was nommed last year, I don't hold out a lot of hope (it was also hackneyed, cliche'd, predictable and unrealistic - kind of like black swan with wrestlers, except that there were actually a few pleasant moments, and they used flattering lighting on the actresses).

oh and the reason for the title is that Balanchine is responsible for bringing bulimia to the dance world.  fucker.
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