August 24th, 2005


just want to get this down

lots going on this week.

on monday, I broke up with Davor. he was very unhappy, but I think he's accepting it. it has taken me weeks and weeks and weeks (and months and months) to decide if this is the right choice for me, but now I know that it is. I am still helping him move (and pay rent, and attend burning man, etc) and I think this has to be the most amicable breakup in the history of, well, breaking up.

of course, if he starts to be difficult, I don't have to deal with it (or him) so that helps.

Jovino was pretty shocked (as, apparently, is everyone - but that's just because I tend to keep these things to myself. anyone who really knew what was going on would know how conflicted I have been over this.)

he felt like it was somehow his fault, and yesterday (tuesday) I decided to tell him that I did not actually fall down the stairs while carrying gear back in January. I also made sure to say that that was the only lie I have ever told him. (and then I nearly ran into the car in front of me at the red light where we were stopped. best not to have these kind of intense talks while driving! heh.)

this was even more shocking, but seems to have put to rest his fears that he is somehow responsible, as I'd hoped it might.

I've been spending a lot of time with him over the past few days and have to say I am loving it. we are very compatible, and I feel we influence each other in positive ways - things I have not been able to say about my relationship with the Problematic Ex in some time. although it certainly used to be true.

yesterday, Jovino and I had a sweet and heartfelt conversation. he started off by thanking me for putting up with all his insecurities and fears, and went on to say that he hoped he could put the growth he experienced to good use in the future - saying he knew he could not expect to always be the only one in my life.

I was deeply touched, and told him that I could not predict the future, but right now I have no energy or interest to date anyone else and that I am very happy with him. we had a similar conversation later that night, as I rubbed lotion into his feet (he had just done the same for me, after a lovely hot bath.) I went on to tell him that although there is someone who is very interested in me, I want to focus on *us* and have no thoughts of dating. he said that even so, I might someday meet someone who I wanted to pursue something with, and I said yes, and you might also, but for me, now is definitely not the time. (this was a conversation that I was really looking to have with him, so I was pleased that it came up (without me bringing it up, even) and especially pleased with how it went.) truth be told, I really have no interest at all in any other relationship, I feel so fulfilled and loved - I don't need anything more. funny that he is really putting forth the idea that there will be others when I have no interest whatsoever.

and, overall... it was BEAUTIFUL! I feel I have both security and freedom. and I know that as long as our relationship remains as deep, loving and joyful as it is now, that no outside involvement (his or mine) could ever threaten it, no matter what happens. but really, for myself at least, I can't see it - I am so into *us* that it's just not something that is even in the back of my mind for "someday." it is *MY CHOICE* to be with him, and only with him. it just feels right. I do not feel this conflicts in any way with my philosophy of poly, as one of the keys to successful poly is letting each relationship find its own level. and this relationship has blown all of the others away.

and, while we were driving in my car doing burning man errands today and laughing, I felt (deeply) that I would rather have *this* than anything. what is the value of longevity, if it comes at the cost of joy? I believe Jovino and I can have both joy and longevity in our relationship. I'm incredibly happy!

I love him SO MUCH!

k, that's all for now. I just wanted to get this down, as there is SO MUCH going on, right now.
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