It's beautiful out and I should be happy but I'm just not. I had a good weekend. I'm working on bunny suits for the BF and me for Guerilla Fur Bar (and just for fun). I lost 14 pounds and had to get smaller pants. (The smaller pants make my ass look great, too.) I'm helping plan a birthday shindig for a good friend which is going to be a great party. There are gorgeous daffodils in my kitchen that smell just like chocolate, and I woke up in my loving partner's arms this morning.
But I'm still just down.
Spaulding Gray is dead. I already knew that, but somehow the news has got me down.
And I have a difficult talk ahead of me. It could be worse but it's still depressing.
Also I was invited to be part of a really cool camp with people who I'd love to work with, and *I can't go to Burning Man.*
I need a gloomier picture for times like this.
OK no more complaining, back to the fur mines.
I have far too little gloomy music to listen to when I'm not happy. Everything I have is so damned cheerful.
I think the missing out on Burning Man is probably what bugs me the most. It's hard to imagine that I'm really Not Going. I keep remembering it at odd moments and feeling really sad.
It's also sort of a "Quest for the Perfect Moment" kind of thing... I had a great time for most of last year but there were a couple of rough spots and I'd like to go back this year and just have it all go well. (I don't see why it couldn't - except of course that I can't go in the first place.) The year before had its ups and downs - most of it was either fabulous or awful. (And I was only with the BF for about half of the time that year... and the rest of the time the exh was pushing and pulling on me and my plans in an effort to regain control over the relationship, and me.) And the year before *that*, well I think that was the year that my own personal theme was "pain and pleasure"...
Dammit, I just want to go again!
But I will probably be in school. And even if not, BF will for sure be in school, and it wouldn't be as much fun without him... to the point that I'd rather just stay home than miss him for a whole entire week. (I know, I'm a baby. But I'm just not that outgoing, and besides, part of the point is that I want to be there with my darling partner. Like I said, I only had a year and half a year of that. Is that too much to ask?!) AND I find it really difficult to get top sleep on my own. REALLY difficult...
Anyway, Burning Man has always been my favorite vacation.
Oh why oh why can't we go?
I want my Perfect Year, dammit!
I know, I sound spoiled. But I have been going every year since 1996 and I'm used to it... and also I had so many difficult times there with the exh, and I was just starting to get to enjoy being there with someone who is fun, supportive, thoughtful and kind to me. And I got a year and a half of that, and now I am locked out.