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Baa Baa Black Sheep, Have you any Wool? - adventures of a red-headed stepchild in the house of love — LiveJournal
mermaid on the mic
Baa Baa Black Sheep, Have you any Wool?
Stuff I've been mulling recently...

I've always been the black sheep.  In the family I grew up in I was always the odd one out.  I used to resent the hell out of my father and stepmother, who treated me harshly and used me as an au-pair for their three kids.  I couldn't wait to get out of the house and start living my own life, on my own terms!

I've always known I was a freak, from a very young age.  I didn't know exactly how, but it was obvious to me (and probably also to the other kids who hassled and laughed at me whenever possible) that I was different.

Somehow I managed to surmount the weight of growing up surrounded by so much disapproval, and today I have to say that my life is pretty freakin' awesome. 

I've even begun to suspect that they (unwittingly) actually did me a favor in their unkindness.  Because I really am my own person, and I have learned how to laugh in the faces of those who would force me into their molds.  I'm not saying that I don't care what ANYone thinks - far from it.  A sharp word from Jovino can reduce me to jelly - but then, he actually cares about me and doesn't automatically assume that his way is The Right Way. 

In any case, I either care or I don't, and if you don't have my best interests at heart, you can jolly well find someone else to (attempt to) push around.  My relationship with Peter ended (in part) due to issues around him thinking he knew better than I did, and while there was plenty wrong with the relationship with the abusive ex, he too thought he knew better than me and should therefor tell me what I should be doing.  This shit does NOT fly, yo!  (Indeed, it hits the fan with alacrity.)

Seems to me, though, that much like the Boy Named Sue, they made me strong.  I've been thinking about this because I've recently had eerily parallel conversations with several friends on related topics.  And I realized that if C+D had been kinder to me, I might have been caught in a similar trap - that of being the "good kid" who does what is expected without being difficult, disagreeing etc... and therefor subsuming my life to their values and desires.  And, fuck THAT!

Don't get me wrong - my life sucked rocks through a straw for much of my youth.  However, I have to feel at least a twinge of relief at having avoided at least this one pitfall, of having to please those who do not in fact have my best interests at heart.  And thank fucking god for that!

I'm feeling: thoughtful thoughtful
I'm hearing: Larry Levan Live @ Paradise Garage

7 smooches or Gimme Some Love!
cherryterror From: cherryterror Date: March 28th, 2008 05:34 am (UTC) (Link)

Hey girl

I know what you mean exactly. I yearned to be liked when I was little but not being liked by those morons was what made me who I am, made me smarter and moer compassionate too. Rock on, black sheep!
catwoman69y2k.insanejournal.com From: catwoman69y2k.insanejournal.com Date: March 28th, 2008 03:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
That prettty much sums it up. Yessiree! From the way you wrote this, I can see much of it mirroring my own life too. Black sheep are beautiful too and thier wool is just as good. ;)
technopatra From: technopatra Date: March 28th, 2008 03:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Word, my sister! My youth entailed a different set of sucky circumstances, but it taught me a level of independence that I don't think I would have achieved otherwise.

Some folks believe you actually choose the family you're born into on some kind of metaphysical level. I always thought this was my parents' excuse for their behavior, but sometimes I wonder if we really are here to learn specific life lessons. If so, I think yours is definitely to learn how to embrace your rockstar self regardless of outside input. And to that I say: mission accomplished!
chainboy From: chainboy Date: March 28th, 2008 03:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
The best part about having a history like that is that us outcasts eventually find each other through a growing friendship base and turn into a kick ass community of caring and lovable people. As much as there are moments in my past that were not so shiny, happy.... I would change none of it if I had to for-go having friends like you.
robotter From: robotter Date: March 28th, 2008 04:20 pm (UTC) (Link)

Zebra Sheep

Do you remember this concept that our lovely Drunken Housewife put forth? Basically, it said that she's a freak to her family, tattooed and living in San Francisco, but at the same time, she's got a wonderful marriage, beautiful children and a very not dysfunctional life (unlike her other relatives). So, while she's a freak to them on the outside, she's also doing much better than them. Hence, the zebra sheep! (although we'd have to make you a zebra sheep with pink and black stripes....)

Getting to autonomous behavior is a beautiful thing, especially once you get past the rebellion stage. (I'm going to do this *because* of what you're doing/saying v. I'm going to do this because of what I feel is right for me.) There is a tiny percentage of the world's population that is evolved to that point, according to the theory of Spiral Dynamics, and you, Miss Thang, are in it! Good stuff!
From: silussa Date: March 28th, 2008 10:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
My biological family ensured that I would reject quite a bit...prejudice being at the top of the list. Much of the rest came later...but once you learn to start rejecting what you're so carefully taught, the rest follows inevitably, if not quickly, in my view.

Congratulations that yours was faster then mine.
vicious_kind From: vicious_kind Date: March 31st, 2008 04:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
It is a very charged topic, as a parent. I think a good home type situation could have fostered your sense of self purposefully. I think some people can take the good or the bad from any situation and use it to become a stronger/better person.

The old theory that heat and pressure make a diamond is true, but some people crack while other people shine. You happen to be a very bright bunny.
7 smooches or Gimme Some Love!