red-headed stepchild in the house of love (djmermaid) wrote,
red-headed stepchild in the house of love
djmermaid

I really do not want to be awake right now. I sure am ready for this year to be over. There has been a lot of awesome, but there has also been an incredible amount of pain. Hopefully it's the dark before the dawn.

It is a year to the day since we lost my best girl. I'm actually finding myself feeling a lot more ok about hitting this sad anniversary than I thought I would be - but, I'm not really ok.


Santa is this weekend. I'm looking forward to that for sure... though it, too, is one more thing that reminds me of her. She's everywhere, in everything I see.

I'm not saying that's bad. It's just... challenging. I always thought we'd have more time.


I can be grateful that I had the opportunity to know and love her. She gave me so much! She inspired me, encouraged me, and loved me as much as I loved her (which I'm sure I don't have to tell you was a LOT.) She was always so sweet to me.

The first real interaction I remember having with her was at a party, late at night... I'd been DJing (by special request of the birthday girl) and then had enjoyed a lovely soak in a fabulous outdoor hot tub. When it came time for me to leave, I couldn't find my shoes. This was one of those parties, in a gorgeous private home, high in the hills. I'd dressed up for the party, and taken off my party shoes while DJing. Since it was a private home, I'd just gone barefoot for the rest of the evening - fine until it came time to go. I looked high and low but my shoes were nowhere to be found. I was getting frustrated (and becoming concerned that I'd never again see these shoes, which were special favorites of mine.) I was systematically going through the living room looking high and low, while people cuddled (etc) all around me. Allison looked up from where she was was snuggling with someone, and asked what I was looking for. When I answered, the person she was with laughed at me, but she got up and helped me look. She was kind like that.

The next time we met was at CnS, by the hammock near the wood fired hot tubs. She said, "oh, you don't remember me..." As I told her then, of course I remembered her. I will never forget her kindness... or her beautiful smile. She never did give herself enough credit.

Later, she asked me to DJ her birthday party... this would have been I believe August 2003. She'd gotten a friend to ask me, since for some reason she thought I was going to say no. I was delighted to do it, and after that, we started talking more. We became really close friends, and had many really deep conversations, both in person and through IM. I have most of the IM transcripts, and I am so grateful for this (as well as her lj, some saved email etc) as her love and wise advice are still available to me, in some form. (She also affected me in many ways in our F2F interactions, and I can still hear her voice offering me certain specific words of encouragement and wisdom.) She really really got it - there aren't many who understand people like she did. I know she took better care of the rest of us than of herself, and I will always regret that I was not able to do more for her.

She was my closest and most trusted advisor, and we talked about EVERYthing! (We had a lot of fun and laughs too, it wasn't all heavy stuff.) She asked me for advice too, from time to time, and I hope I was able to give her as much as she gave me. Somehow I doubt it though. It is a small (but real) comfort to know that her death was ruled accidental. In the days after she died, there was a lot of conjecture that she'd chosen death, but I never accepted that theory. I know her life wasn't easy, but I just could not believe she'd go without at least leaving a note - nor that she would choose to give up when she had long term plans, and much to live for.

I miss her most acutely at the times that I need a friend to talk to. I also miss her during the happy times - parties, burning man, and those recurring events that come along and help to mark the passage of time.

I know I'm not the only one to miss her so. Santa this year is sure to be bittersweet. If you see me around, I'd love a hug.




Placing Allison's photo at the Temple - 2007
Tags: allison, loss, love, sad, santa, snallison
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