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I really do not want to be awake right now. I sure am ready for this… - adventures of a red-headed stepchild in the house of love
mermaid on the mic
djmermaid
djmermaid
I really do not want to be awake right now. I sure am ready for this year to be over. There has been a lot of awesome, but there has also been an incredible amount of pain. Hopefully it's the dark before the dawn.

It is a year to the day since we lost my best girl. I'm actually finding myself feeling a lot more ok about hitting this sad anniversary than I thought I would be - but, I'm not really ok.


Santa is this weekend. I'm looking forward to that for sure... though it, too, is one more thing that reminds me of her. She's everywhere, in everything I see.

I'm not saying that's bad. It's just... challenging. I always thought we'd have more time.


I can be grateful that I had the opportunity to know and love her. She gave me so much! She inspired me, encouraged me, and loved me as much as I loved her (which I'm sure I don't have to tell you was a LOT.) She was always so sweet to me.

The first real interaction I remember having with her was at a party, late at night... I'd been DJing (by special request of the birthday girl) and then had enjoyed a lovely soak in a fabulous outdoor hot tub. When it came time for me to leave, I couldn't find my shoes. This was one of those parties, in a gorgeous private home, high in the hills. I'd dressed up for the party, and taken off my party shoes while DJing. Since it was a private home, I'd just gone barefoot for the rest of the evening - fine until it came time to go. I looked high and low but my shoes were nowhere to be found. I was getting frustrated (and becoming concerned that I'd never again see these shoes, which were special favorites of mine.) I was systematically going through the living room looking high and low, while people cuddled (etc) all around me. Allison looked up from where she was was snuggling with someone, and asked what I was looking for. When I answered, the person she was with laughed at me, but she got up and helped me look. She was kind like that.

The next time we met was at CnS, by the hammock near the wood fired hot tubs. She said, "oh, you don't remember me..." As I told her then, of course I remembered her. I will never forget her kindness... or her beautiful smile. She never did give herself enough credit.

Later, she asked me to DJ her birthday party... this would have been I believe August 2003. She'd gotten a friend to ask me, since for some reason she thought I was going to say no. I was delighted to do it, and after that, we started talking more. We became really close friends, and had many really deep conversations, both in person and through IM. I have most of the IM transcripts, and I am so grateful for this (as well as her lj, some saved email etc) as her love and wise advice are still available to me, in some form. (She also affected me in many ways in our F2F interactions, and I can still hear her voice offering me certain specific words of encouragement and wisdom.) She really really got it - there aren't many who understand people like she did. I know she took better care of the rest of us than of herself, and I will always regret that I was not able to do more for her.

She was my closest and most trusted advisor, and we talked about EVERYthing! (We had a lot of fun and laughs too, it wasn't all heavy stuff.) She asked me for advice too, from time to time, and I hope I was able to give her as much as she gave me. Somehow I doubt it though. It is a small (but real) comfort to know that her death was ruled accidental. In the days after she died, there was a lot of conjecture that she'd chosen death, but I never accepted that theory. I know her life wasn't easy, but I just could not believe she'd go without at least leaving a note - nor that she would choose to give up when she had long term plans, and much to live for.

I miss her most acutely at the times that I need a friend to talk to. I also miss her during the happy times - parties, burning man, and those recurring events that come along and help to mark the passage of time.

I know I'm not the only one to miss her so. Santa this year is sure to be bittersweet. If you see me around, I'd love a hug.




Placing Allison's photo at the Temple - 2007

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15 smooches or Gimme Some Love!
Comments
From: kshandra Date: December 12th, 2007 04:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
Love to you.
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 18th, 2007 01:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
thank you.
(Deleted comment)
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 18th, 2007 01:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
thank you.
theassassinnox From: theassassinnox Date: December 12th, 2007 04:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
*hugs* I'm sorry for your loss, but glad to see that you also celebrate her life. It is really hard to loose a loved one, and I know how you feel.


I know I will never be that same ear, but if you ever need tot talk, I'm here for ya.

~S
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 18th, 2007 01:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks, I appreciate that... and I've enjoyed IMing with you.

Don't be surprised if I do take you up on that!

See you at FC!
robotter From: robotter Date: December 12th, 2007 06:21 pm (UTC) (Link)

Hugs!

It does get easier. I just passed Marianne's birthday (or what would have been her birthday), and the ache is still there, but it gets easier over time.

I think the thing that death teaches us the most is to cherish and value life, and those we love, because you never know when it might go away.

And I, too, extend the offer, that you can call me anytime if you need to talk.

mmmmwah!
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 18th, 2007 01:16 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Hugs!

Yeah, the big lesson here is to not take anything or anyone for granted. Such a tough one to learn, but so important.

Hey BTW, thanks again for your awesome work on Santa, back in teh day... the SF one has degenerated into a pub crawl (with red hats) and it is such a contrast from the amazing experiences we had! Your Santacon ROCKED, from beginning to end!
luffing From: luffing Date: December 12th, 2007 06:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
I have some big hugs for you! I will put them in my Santa sack and deliver them in person on Saturday.

p.s. one of the friends on my LJ, some chick from Kentucky, just posted on her LJ that she was upset about something, and that she'd purchased a Bunnywarez kitty hat to make herself feel better. That was totally random! Heh heh. You bunniez are famous!
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 18th, 2007 01:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you. I was actually pretty much ok on Saturday, but have been up and down before and since. So, hugs are always welcome.

Thanks for the Bunnywarez fuzzy! My all-time favorite (so far) answer to the "so, how did you hear about us" question came from someone who was having a shitty day and decided to look on google image search for the term "kitten" - and found our Kitten Mittens! (Of course he had to have a set...)

I love spreading joy and fun to the greater world. WHat better purpose?!

Hey, I enjoyed the photo of you and your mens. Hope to see you soon, for longer!

xoxox,

- that M chick
bearfairie From: bearfairie Date: December 12th, 2007 10:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
**{{huuugs}}**

I'm feeling you, girl. The 2 yr anniversary of my sweetie's brother's passing was just a month ago. it never stops hurting but you learn how to live with it. And holidays are always rough, honestly. But good for you for celebrating and remembering. "What is remembered lives". You honor her memory by telling her stories. Please keep telling us, b/c we're listening. I never met her but I feel a bit richer for having gotten to hear about her, even with the sadness and the loss.

much love to you, and happy holidays.
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 18th, 2007 01:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you. I want you to know that you have helped me a LOT over the past year, and I really appreciate it.

I'm actually ok right now... almost "too ok" (though I know that really makes no sense.) The truth is that I have been going up and down around this stuff - though I am a lot less wrecked than I expected. You have given me a lot of food for thought, and a lot of encouragement. Both of these have made a real difference in my life. *Thank You*!

I hope to see you at FC this year!
From: cinnamon_grrrl Date: December 13th, 2007 07:37 am (UTC) (Link)
*hugs*
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 18th, 2007 01:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
thanks... hope to get to hang out soon!
thecatsmeowww From: thecatsmeowww Date: December 14th, 2007 10:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
It is a year to the day since we lost my best girl...That is right...I am sorry, hun.

I can't be there in person for that big hug.....BUT........

**********BIG HUG*************

djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 18th, 2007 01:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
thank you.
15 smooches or Gimme Some Love!