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Hmmm... - adventures of a red-headed stepchild in the house of love
mermaid on the mic
djmermaid
djmermaid
Hmmm...
I think the missing out on Burning Man is probably what bugs me the most. It's hard to imagine that I'm really Not Going. I keep remembering it at odd moments and feeling really sad.

It's also sort of a "Quest for the Perfect Moment" kind of thing... I had a great time for most of last year but there were a couple of rough spots and I'd like to go back this year and just have it all go well. (I don't see why it couldn't - except of course that I can't go in the first place.) The year before had its ups and downs - most of it was either fabulous or awful. (And I was only with the BF for about half of the time that year... and the rest of the time the exh was pushing and pulling on me and my plans in an effort to regain control over the relationship, and me.) And the year before *that*, well I think that was the year that my own personal theme was "pain and pleasure"...

Dammit, I just want to go again!

But I will probably be in school. And even if not, BF will for sure be in school, and it wouldn't be as much fun without him... to the point that I'd rather just stay home than miss him for a whole entire week. (I know, I'm a baby. But I'm just not that outgoing, and besides, part of the point is that I want to be there with my darling partner. Like I said, I only had a year and half a year of that. Is that too much to ask?!) AND I find it really difficult to get top sleep on my own. REALLY difficult...

Anyway, Burning Man has always been my favorite vacation.

Oh why oh why can't we go?

I want my Perfect Year, dammit!

I know, I sound spoiled. But I have been going every year since 1996 and I'm used to it... and also I had so many difficult times there with the exh, and I was just starting to get to enjoy being there with someone who is fun, supportive, thoughtful and kind to me. And I got a year and a half of that, and now I am locked out.

Meh.

I'm feeling: aggravated meh

7 smooches or Gimme Some Love!
Comments
headlouse From: headlouse Date: March 9th, 2004 05:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
We ain't either. Burning Man was fun but I've had my fill, I need new experiences; I'd rather the whole thing not go stale for me. And secondarily, boy does the theme suck this year. Instead, we figure we're gonna use all that money we'd blow at Burning Man to experience new things—like going scuba diving and exploring in Belize or Tobago!

Though I admit, I've had a few stomach knottedness feelings of "well maybe I'm gonna miss out?" But then I realize that of course, I will miss out on something but it will also normalize the experience in some why. I'd rather it stay the fabulous crazy surreal experience that it was. And if we get a desire for burningmaness we can hit any of the relatively common SF burningmanish art parties, any of the semi-official burning man pre-parties, some of the outdoor parties in the woods I've heard about, or just party in the Bart Party Car

As for the perfect year, I guess there's a remote possibility you could have one but Burning Man is such a place for extremes that it's bound to tear at your emotions at some point during your trip. Maybe you could do it if you timed your drugs just right though ;-)

djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: March 9th, 2004 06:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh I fully admit there is an element of "chasing the buzz" in all of this.

But... last year my foot was injured on Thursday night. So I spent fully half my week there limping around and not getting to do things I'd planned on. And the year before was really difficult at times... it was obvious to me that it was going to be my last year there with the ex, and that we were going to break up when we got back to town (it had been a long time coming, but at that point, I knew.)

I'd really just like to be there and not be injured and not be in the process of splitting up with my partner. Sure there's always something (it's the ultimate "there's always something" kind of place) but I just want to go out on a better note. Davor had a hurt foot for the entire week out there last year too. I'd like less injury and more of what we went there for. Just once. Is that so much to ask for?

And, if I am going to stay home I'd rather it be by my own choice. This is not my choice. I am being forced into it by external circumstances. You're deciding not to go and I'm figuring out that I *can't*.

Of course, this morning cuddled up in bed I felt like an idiot for caring about it so much... what could be better than cuddling? Where ever it occurs...

But there is definitely a part of me that is not ready to not go.

Thanks for listening, and your thoughtful comments. We should all have dinner sometime!
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: December 29th, 2005 05:30 pm (UTC) (Link)

hi

just digging around in my old lj posts, and I found this comment from you, responding to me complaining that I can't go to burning man. pretty funny that we both did anyway! and in 2005 I finally had my perfect year. I'm going again in 06. why not?! ; )

have fun in India!
headlouse From: headlouse Date: December 29th, 2005 05:46 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: hi

Yeah it was a really good burn year for me too in 2005 even with all the back and forth craziness. I'm still on the fence about 2006 -- it all depends on what the art looks like and whether or not I'm involved in a project like I was with DDI this past year.
From: snallison Date: March 10th, 2004 12:20 am (UTC) (Link)
oh sweetie,i hear you that its tough right now. you are giving up a lot of history here...where else have you been the last week of August for the past X years? (where x=many)

about the perfect playa experience: its never too late for that! you can do it next year! and in terms of adventure and cuddles, you guys can create that for yourselves Labor Day Weekend and every weekend till then.

don't give up all hope...last year, i was convinced i wasn't going to go and then at the last minute jumped in (with my 20 year old virgin brother as my inspiration & traveling partner) and it was great. you never know what will unfold at the last minute.

You know what gave me peace last year when making my decision? I realized that, after the fact, whether I chose to go or to not go I would feel like I had made the right decision. I can tell you more about this later if you like.

lastly, i have to say this. You do have a choice in the matter sweetie. Just like you could choose to pull out all the stops and make it to the playa, you are chosing to stay home and be with D and take care of business. I understand its a bittersweet and difficult decision, but I know how kickass you are, and if you really wanted to be there, YOU of all chicky's could get yourself there. ....not to say this makes it any easier....
take care of you!
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: March 10th, 2004 01:30 am (UTC) (Link)
X=8. Just FYI.

Thanks for the thoughtful and kindhearted comments. You're a doll. I'm glad to know you!

And you are right, I have to do what I have to do, and it really *doesn't* matter where I am, if I'm with Davor I am happy to be there. That's really the essence of my choice (and the reason why it IS a choice) - I am choosing to be with him. If I went and he didn't I'd have fun, but at the end of the day I'd just be hot and dusty and lonesome.

I would love to hear more about your knowing that whatever you do it is the right thing. I get it, but then again I don't always have such faith in myself.

From: hypergirly Date: March 10th, 2004 06:05 am (UTC) (Link)

no!

you have to go!!!! this is my first year (kinda, i went 2 years ago and had a horrific time and ended up pouting in a camper most of it) you must go, you know you can always hang out with the temple kids, you wont be lonely, we wont let you. common! lol. no, i respect making your own choices.
7 smooches or Gimme Some Love!