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Hummmmmm... - adventures of a red-headed stepchild in the house of love — LiveJournal
mermaid on the mic
So, I had a date last night, with someone I've been seeing for several months now. It was pleasant, we always have many things to talk about, and we went for a really nice walk along the bay.

Unfortunately, I am feeling that something isn't quite right about this relationship and I keep thinking about ending it. (Which is why this posting is friends-only... he never reads my LJ but he does know about it and I'd hate for him to see this... especially before I have figured out what I am going to do.)

I can't quite put my finger on it. We get along well, he's sweet and thoughtful and interesting and intelligent. He's definitely poly and his primary partner has always been sweet and encouraging to me. He and the BF get along, too.

It's more an energetic thing... I'm just not quite "feeling it" somehow. I just don't *miss* him between dates... which are more or less every 3 weeks as I am so busy with school, working on house stuff etc... and just not really motivated to make time to see him more often.

I don't know.

I would LOVE advice on this... or any thoughts any of you may have.


(Edit: I am now unlocking this post, as the situation has been resolved.)

I'm feeling: worried uncertain
I'm hearing: Cavalia soundtrack

9 smooches or Gimme Some Love!
From: metaphorge Date: March 4th, 2004 04:34 am (UTC) (Link)
It's been my experience that sometimes that 'spark' never really congeals (maybe that was a poor choice of wording lol).

Then again, I'm really big on connective energy and intuition when it comes to relationships and 'clicking' (I tend to feel whether something is 'right' or not pretty quickly when I'm exposed to someone), but I realize that may just be me.

What changes are you thinking of making with this relationship?
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: March 4th, 2004 09:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for the comment. My intuition is telling me something isn't right. My logical brain can't figure out *what* is not right.

But I'm feeling like I want to go back to being "just friends" rather than dating.

The problem is that since I don't know *why* I want this, I'm going to have a hell of a time explaining it to the boy.


And I do *like* him... I just don't feel that the dating thing is right, for some unknown reason.

It's a rather sticky wicket.
From: snallison Date: March 5th, 2004 01:19 am (UTC) (Link)


Wow, M.

I remember discussing this last month at Shedonism, and the fact that you still are having doubts is pretty telling. I understand your desire to stop dating, and imagine I would make the same decision.

Chemistry is a fickle, flexible thing and it is okay to have your interest change or wan, especially in the face of all of our busy schedules. Your time is valuable, and it is a gift to those who get it! (the corollary to this is that his time is valuable, and you don't want to lead him on or hurt his feelings down the road).

A friend once said to me "your no gives your yes more weight". The person who feels the reprocussions of your no's and yes's the most is you -- in your other relationships, and how you feel about yourself.

I would break things off with the boy, and ask for his friendship sans romance. And don't feel bad about continuing to date others or beginning new relationships -- just be honest with him and tell him that what you want the most is his friendship right now.
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: March 5th, 2004 05:59 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Still?

Hi sweetie, thanks so much for responding.

I know what I have to do: break it off. What's bothering me is that I have no real answer to *why* I want to do this. I just do. And I would personally hate to hear that. But I guess all I can say is my intuition is telling me to, and I have to follow it.

Does that sound like a reasonable reason to you?

I know at some level it doesn't matter because I am going to do what I need to do. But I really do like this boy and want to be as kind as possible about it.

It's such a weird space to be in. But it is so bugging me that I know I have to do it.

Thanks for your comment, much appreciated!
From: snallison Date: March 5th, 2004 07:22 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Still?

yeah, it makes total sense. i applaud you for being willing to own and follow your intuition and question it without rationalizing your feelings away. i trust you will handle this with grace and wisdom, cause you rock like that! smooches....

nifercritter From: nifercritter Date: March 5th, 2004 06:00 pm (UTC) (Link)

use "chemistry" not "intuition"

Hmm, well I'm just speaking from initial impressions of your response to allison, but I don't quite care for the reasoning "my intuitions are telling me so."

When I hear the word "intuition," I think of the text book definition: The act or faculty of knowing or sensing without the use of rational processes; immediate cognition. It conjures images of a little imp whispering guidance into your ear, or resorting to fortune telling to make decisions in your life. However in your case, it seems to me as if you ARE putting a lot of thought and reasoning to this.

It appears to me you DO know what the problem is when you wrote: It's more an energetic thing... I think it is a perfectly valid reason to not date someone if there is a lack of chemistry. That zip, zing, energy, chemistry, whatever you call it, is a very real element in relationships. Although you can't pinpoint it like you can with looks, personality, or mutual interests, it is real nonetheless.

My theory, is that the lack of chemistry is probably connected up with the sense of smell -- both detectable as well as undetectable (like pheromones). The sense of smell is extraordinarily connected up with memory and emotions, and like it or not impact your logical/reasoning part of your brain. Colin would be able to elaborate more on this (he's been reading lots about the brain lately and has share fascinating information with me).

Anywho, as for undetectable smells like pheromones... The existence of pheromones is debatable, however there have been circumstances that point to its existence. For instance, women living closely together, will often have their cycles sync up. So perhaps if the detectable smell isn't inhibiting your ability to summon those feelings (memories?) of lust, perhaps his pheromones are.

Though, it's not like you can say, "Sorry sweetie, your smell just isn't doing it for me." hee, hee. :)

I dunno, I suppose it's also just my aversion to the word "intuition" -- woman's intuition and all that. BLECH! To me, it sounds so devoid of all rationalization or reflection. I suppose all this rambling is getting to the point that, saying you want to break up because there is a lack of chemistry you have for him is completely acceptable. I've had someone break up with me for that reason, and although I didn't understand where she was coming from (I still lusted HER), I still accepted it as valid and real. I don't think I'd think kindly though, if she said her intuition was telling her I wasn't the gal for her.

Sorry for the inarticulations (is that a word?). I hope I made a smidge of sense.

xox, nifer
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: March 7th, 2004 02:02 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: use "chemistry" not "intuition"

Hi Nifer,

Thanks for your perspective, I appreciate it. I guess it is a "chemistry" kind of thing... though as in your example he seems to like me just fine. It just feels sorta one sided to me... the energy isn't in it for me.

I just need to think a bit about how to explain that/what to say.

Thanks again for the comment.
whipsnkisses From: whipsnkisses Date: March 5th, 2004 05:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
I would say that if you both are satisfied with what you have right now, there is absolutely no reason why you should feel pressured to make it any more then it is.

Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to figure out where a relationship is taking us that we dont' just sit back and enjoy where it is.

Along the same lines, you don't need to classify your relationship into terms of 'friendship' or 'boyfriend' or even 'relationship' and continue to interact with this individual the way you feel works best for both of you.

However, if the two of you are on different wavelengths, I would get that out in the open sooner then later and be honest about where you're coming from and what you're interested in. Hopefully he'll give you the same information and the two of you can figure out if and/or how to continue being together.

I would also keep careful attention on that little voice that's telling you to end it and play the "Why?" game. Ask that voice "Why do I want to end this relationship?" Let's say the voice answers, "Because the lovey-dovey excited vibe just ain't there." "Why?" "Because he feels more like a friend to me." "Why?" "Because...." etc. Eventually, you really get into processing what it is exactly about this person that you enjoy being with and why. With more information, your decision will be easier to make.

Hope that helps with your decision. :)
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: March 7th, 2004 02:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for the thoughtful comment, Kitty. Good stuff to think about.

I am not satisfied with the relationship. It just doesn't feel right to me any more. So I have to change it. I've been thinking and worrying about it for weeks.

I haven't gotten very far with the "why game" - that's what bothers me the most about this, I can't really adequately explain why. But I just know I need to make this change. It's a drag because other than this *feeling* everything is fine with this boy. But it isn't there... it just isn't there for me.

So I am now decided on what I need to do... it's all a matter of how to say it at this point.

I've gotta say that I just *love* LJ! It's been so helpful to me to read everyone's comments, really helped me see things from a variety of angles and all the insights have been really helpful.
9 smooches or Gimme Some Love!