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5 am - adventures of a red-headed stepchild in the house of love
mermaid on the mic
5 am
up at 5 am, wrtoe this.  no internets then.  fell back asleep and just woke up, so posting it now.

gotta go.  gotta see my Pouncer while I still can.  it's not long now.


here I am, once again...

I don't know where to begin.  I'm just back from a lovely weekend road trip with my amazing, talented and sexy partner, Jovino.  it was our anniversary, and we went down the coast to Monterey, where we stayed in a fantastic little bnb, spent an entire day at the amazing Monterey Bay Aquarium, had some awesome conversations and boinked each others brains completely out. 

this was only our third anniversary, and things have gotten better every year!  our relationship continues to inspire me to be my best, nurture me when I need it and give me immense hope for our future.

Ninjai and Bruce were glad to see us.  we'd been gone just overnight as we're so busy with our business it seemed smartest not to be away too long, and nevertheless they were visibly bigger than when we'd left, as unlikely as it seems.  they are approximately the size of river otters now (and they kinda act like them, too.)

the Aquarium was a dream - I knew we'd spend the entire day there and fully expected to be dazzled, but seeing it in real life is so much more incredible than I'd imagined.  (otters!  jellies! enormous salt-water tanks with incredible marine habitat and biodiversity!)   I want to go back during the off season when it's less crowded (as it was we went on a Monday and the place was still quite busy.)

I wish I was here to blog about how awesome it was.  I could write so much - but as I was driving up Hwy 1, talking with Jovino and looking forward to writing about it here, I got word that Peter was trying to contact me.  I knew this likely meant Pounce, my beloved grey cat (who is 21 years old and who lives with Peter) had taken a turn for the worse.  Jovino called him back (Highway 1 is too twisty for driving and talking, especially near sunset with the sun slanting into your eyes and a lot of traffic around) and confirmed that it was about Pounce and told me that Peter just said I should call as soon as we arrived.

when I talked with Peter, who sounded very upset, he told me that the Pounce was clearly failing and that he had sadly decided that it was time to say goodbye.  I'd gone to see him on Thursday as I'd learned he'd been having seizures, (along with his existing thyroid and heart issues) so he was clearly not long for this world.  Peter relayed the vet's report that the seizures likely meant that he'd developed a brain tumor - and even a young and otherwise healthy cat would face a tough row to hoe with that news.  for a 21 year old kitty with other health problems, it meant his time had come.  Peter wanted to make sure I had a chance to say goodbye, and I arranged to come with him to the vet to be with him at the end. 

I know what we are doing is kinder than dragging it out, but it is incredibly sad (for one thing, even though he's old and pathetic now, when he's not seizing he enjoys eating and being petted.  when I was there on Thursday he totally knew who I was, allowed me to pick him up, purred any time I was petting or touching him, and trotted eagerly over to his food dish when I fed him.)  so, this sucks.

this cat was such a friend to me, for SO many years, and even though I was never able to have him come live with me after I moved out when Peter and I split up, I love him indescribably.  I can tell he knows it, which helps.

anyway, today is the day.  I'm going to lose my darling Pounce, and I'm going to go to be with him at the end.  I wish it didn't have to be now, but he's just physically worn out.

I'm immensely grateful to Peter for including me, and giving me this chance to say goodbye to my beloved friend.  and I'm immensely sad for the impending loss of  Pouncer, which looms closer every minute.  he's such an amazing cat.

I've cried so many times over losing Pounce, when I first moved out.  then, I was able to visit, and it helped knowing that Peter and Mare doted on him and cared for him well.  now, it really is the end, and I feel so forlorn.  Jovino has kindly offered to come with me as well, so I won't have to drive.  that helps. he is REALLY good to me.  my little kitties are delightful and sweet, and I love them a lot.  but there's only one Pouncer - and I miss him already.

I should go back to bed and try to sleep more, I guess.  I don't want to disturb Jovino with my tossing and sniffling, but I need to be present today, to work and to be there for Pounce and for Peter.

thanks for reading.

I'm feeling: miserable

18 smooches or Gimme Some Love!
From: ninarawkstah Date: July 3rd, 2007 08:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
my heart is with you during this difficult time. you'll be in my thoughts.

monterey seems to be the anniversary destination of the summer. boy and I are headed to Marina (just north) for a quiet get away ourselves.

ducktapeddonkey From: ducktapeddonkey Date: July 3rd, 2007 08:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
Knowing these things are coming never seems to make them any easier.

So sorry to hear about your kitty. :(
evilmommytina From: evilmommytina Date: July 3rd, 2007 08:53 pm (UTC) (Link)

love and strength to you today hon...

In reading all you shared - know in your heart it is for HIM you do this. It is best. Be kind to yourself. Invest care in allowing the new kitties to love on you when you need it. They can feel our pain.

That Pouncer Cat was a special and well loved old man.

Lucky cat.

Hugs, Tina
silverfae From: silverfae Date: July 3rd, 2007 09:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sweet Pounce. I wish him a happy journey over the Rainbow Bridge, where his wonderful old soul can once more play and roam.

...and big hugs for you, my love.
luffing From: luffing Date: July 3rd, 2007 10:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am thinking of you and your friend Pounce today. What a gift to have 21 years with such a good friend!
wickedpuppy From: wickedpuppy Date: July 3rd, 2007 10:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm so sorry.
theassassinnox From: theassassinnox Date: July 3rd, 2007 10:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
The aquarium is an awesome place! Can you believe they pay me to go there and paint faces? <3!!!
My Grandma is a Docent there, so I basically was there any weekend I wanted growing up. I love it there, and always will.

I'm sorry to hear that it is Pounce's time. You are really being kind to him in letting him go rather than dragging it out with a low quality of life. It's hard, but you are really making the right choice for him.

I'm sending love and good thoughts.

From: catwoman69y2k Date: July 3rd, 2007 10:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
*can only hug you*
porsupah From: porsupah Date: July 4th, 2007 12:23 am (UTC) (Link)
That's the terrible part about sharing one's life with a fourlegged companion, of course.. knowing that, in all likelihood, you'll long outlive them. But just knowing it never makes the time any easier.. at least it sounds like he's had not just a long time, but a very well loved stay. And what more could any of us ask for?
fairyarmadillo From: fairyarmadillo Date: July 4th, 2007 01:32 am (UTC) (Link)
Hugs hugs hugs!
pokiedot From: pokiedot Date: July 4th, 2007 05:07 am (UTC) (Link)
aw, i am sorry! i had a kitty for 20 years, from when i was 4 till i was 24, and it was like losing a sister when she died. i feel ya! sounds like he was special.
penguingrrl From: penguingrrl Date: July 4th, 2007 05:56 am (UTC) (Link)
I am sorry you are losing your friend. It seems you both had a lot of memories together that will be there forever. Take care sweetie. Hugs.
dolphin42 From: dolphin42 Date: July 4th, 2007 11:38 am (UTC) (Link)

21 years

A Cats' life as a loved friend is one of the better things in the life of a lucky person (or many of them).
zoe_serious From: zoe_serious Date: July 4th, 2007 03:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
Big love to you, it's never easy to have to say goodbye to a cherished pet.
silverseabear From: silverseabear Date: July 4th, 2007 03:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm sorry.

idiva From: idiva Date: July 5th, 2007 04:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm so sorry. *hugs* and I'll keep you and Pounce in my thoughts.
robotter From: robotter Date: July 5th, 2007 05:39 pm (UTC) (Link)

Oh! Pouncer!

Godspeed on your journey, kitty. I'm glad you can be with him at the end.

Nothing is worse than having to say goodbye to your feline friend. As this experience is still fresh in my mind, my heart is with you...
bearfairie From: bearfairie Date: July 12th, 2007 03:08 am (UTC) (Link)

Wow your post made me cry. Unsurprisingly, as we just recently lost one of our babies after a 6 month long hospice period that was just exhausting and awful for everyone involved. My heart goes out to you, and to your Pounce. Gentle blessings to light his travels, and yours.
18 smooches or Gimme Some Love!