red-headed stepchild in the house of love (djmermaid) wrote,
red-headed stepchild in the house of love
djmermaid

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tomorrow may come... tomorrow may never come

I am waaaay overdue for an update. Life has been busy, and mostly really good, with some unbelievably intense challenges. It seems that whenever I have Big Stuff that's on my mind, I don't blog. I guess I just think that I can't talk about the real issue, so I can't talk about little stuff either. I don't know. Anyway... I'm back now!

Good news: Jovino has thrown off the yoke of his corporate oppressors and flown the coop to devote himself to bunnywarez full time! We are both really excited about this (and it is especially well-timed with the busy playawear season just getting started.) Hooray!!!


In not-so-good news, I recently spent a lot of time and effort dealing with the Problematic Ex, who, apparently not having gotten enough out of me (even after the free rent, food, the car I gave him, bills I paid while he bought things for himself and paid down his debt, etc etc etc - oh was a sucker I was!) decided he was going to take one last thing - and it turned out to be the straw that broke the camel's back. asshole.

I have NEVER been taken advantage of like that.

in dealing with this, I was forced to face up to all the abusiveness and mistreatment I put up with while we were involved - something I had never dealt with. While I was still in the relationship, I made up excuses and just avoided and ignored it. Then once I finally ended things, I was so relieved to be away from his pushy, demanding and toxic behaviour that I never really processed out what had happened - I pretty much just swept it all under the rug and ran away to my new better life. Goodbye to All That!

I thought that what was done was done and that the water had already gone under the bridge, so I could just walk away and be done with it. It was such a relief! And it actually worked for quite a while. But, just like sweeping dirt under a rug and hoping it would "go away" - it didn't. It just stayed there, waiting for me to trip over it. Who would have thought?!

So, up came all the buried oog.

All the feelings of being an idiot to let this happen to me - it was like it had never stopped! And the current betrayal made me more angry than any other - all the times he'd failed to keep his word, the physical abuse and drunken rages, even the black eye (because, hey, I'd rationalized <i>that</i> as somehow my fault - while I had <i>clearly</i> done nothing whatsoever to deserve what was happening now - hell, the last time I'd seen the guy I bought him lunch!)

What an IDIOT I was. All this time I'd been too blind to see it, but I finally figured it out.

I guess even I have my limits.

I was so angry about this, and hurt, and beating myself up (pardon the metaphor) for being foolish enough to let this guy use me (and use me he did, coldly and calculatingly.)

Even now I get angry when I think about how thoroughly he took advantage of me.

But, better angry than continuing to be a fucking patsy. Finally, I am truly DONE. Done with the asshole, and the entire situation - done being used, done bending over backwards for someone who never appreciated me (but was all too happy to take whatever he could get from me.)

I don't mean to go on about this. It's no longer absorbing so much of my time and energy (thank god) and I'm really glad for that. I felt totally unable to blog while I was dealing with this bullshit, because I couldn't talk about it, and I also really couldn't talk about other stuff and ignore it. Neither felt right for me.

Now, I'm done. Definitely done with the relationship (biggest mistake I ever made!)

Done wasting my time and effort trying to be friends with the Problematic Ex. (Boy was that dumb!)

I'm also pretty much done kicking myself for having been willing to go through so much for a little attention (which turned from good attention into bad attention, so long before I had the guts to end the relationship.) So quickly it turned into abuse.

What a fool I was! I got suckered, plain and simple.

It's weird - I'm friends with just about all of my exes, even the ones that broke my heart. I think it's important. But, I also have my limits. It takes TWO to be friends!

This guy - I don't give a shit what happens to him. I wouldn't spit on him if he was on fire.

Mostly I just never want to see him again. Wish me luck with that. Unless he moves away, I'm sure I'll have to grit my teeth and avoid him from time to time. I'm not going to be driven out of my community of friends, which I have been part of since 1996!

But at least I'm not going to be used and taken advantage of any more. He got ALL he could. But he's not getting any more. This is the end of that!

ON to better things!
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  • 10 comments

  • A Night to Remember!

    Well, that was a night to remember! One of my best disco sets yet! What a trip. I was invited to DJ for a Comfort & Joy fundraiser - one of my…

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