red-headed stepchild in the house of love (djmermaid) wrote,
red-headed stepchild in the house of love

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the present moment

there is quite a lot going on in my head right now. overall, things are good (if by "good" you mean "for the very most part excellent, amazing, wonderful, with scattered anxiety and ongoing challenges.") there are, of course, a few rough spots here and there - and I expect there always will be.

Jovino continues to be the most amazing partner EVAR, and to accompany me into new levels of trust and love. that's huge!

example: a couple of days ago we were working on homework and talking about things, and the conversation took a turn towards an area of the past where neither one of us is inclined to tread - specifically my involvement in a relationship which ultimately turned out to be abusive. he knew basic stuff about it, but it wasn't something we'd ever discussed much, probably due to it being a challenging and painful subject for us both.

the way this relationship ultimately played out is something that has bothered me for some time, in that I had long resolutely believed that if I was ever in a relationship which became abusive, I would be strong, protect myself, and end things immediately. sounds good, right? yet, when it was actually happening to me that is not at all how it went.

in fact, it took me months to get my head around what had happened, and to end things.

since then, I have often (pardon the metaphor) "beat myself up" over my inability to immediately take a firm stand and remove the individual from my life.

I spent a lot of time fretting and second-guessing myself around this. I'd even considered going in for counselling, but never did - for one thing, it was a long time before I could talk about it at all, and then I guess it just didn't reach the threshold of urgency that would have had me make an appointment. so, for many months it remained a background issue.

then, the other day, Jovino and I were working on homework and talking, and the subject of abusive relationships came up - specifically mental vs physical abuse. and I got started talking about my experiences, in more depth than I had ever gone with anyone before, even him.

I talked a bit about the night that it all went down, and then about subsequent events.

and suddenly, I *got* it. something shifted in my understanding of that time and those events. it was like a light going on (which I know is a huge cliche' - but there are reasons cliches are made!)

so, I was finally able to release it all, to let it go - because I'd come to a point where I actually *understood* why I reacted as I did back then, and why I'd made the choices that I made. (which is not to say that they were the "right" choices, nor that I would do the same thing if, heaven forfend, I should be faced with a similar situation again - but simply that I now *get* the me of then, and I can understand why I did what I did, which allows me to view myself and my history with compassion rather than shame and disgust.)

this has released me from a HUGE weight which I had been carrying!

it's late, and I need to get to bed, but I just wanted to express my appreciation around all of this. it has been incredibly healing for me to move forward from fretting over this ugly scar on my life history. and my man once again shows himself to be a REALLY good man - putting my need to talk about this incredibly uncomfortable topic ahead of his own comfort level. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

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