red-headed stepchild in the house of love (djmermaid) wrote,
red-headed stepchild in the house of love

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the other side

so... the other side. mostly things are good, but some of the challenges I am facing are intense.

first and foremost, on Sunday (as in the day after tomorrow, or probably actual tomorrow, depending on when I finish this up) I am helping organize an event in SF to distribute Allison's clothing (and I think some other effects also) to her friends.

I do think this is a good thing, despite also feeling that the main organizers have made some choices which are quite different than what I would have done, had it been up to me.

it is, of course, also personally challenging, in that I will need to once again face the painful reality that one of my very best friends is gone and I will never see her again.

last night I had two very vivid and intense dreams about Allison. when I awoke from the first, I was completely convinced that I had in my possession a phone message from Allison. She sounded so happy in it, and I was pleased to know that I had a way to hear her voice any time I wanted to. Upon awakening from this dream, I was first euphoric, and then realized that there was no way this was true, as I don't actually have an answering machine and my voicemails on my cel phone are automatically erased on a regular basis. D'oh! I realized it must have been a dream, and felt frustrated and sad.

I made myself go to sleep again, and wound up having an amazingly vivid and realistic dream, this time focusing on the upcoming distribution of Allison's things. Many of her close friends were there, and as I was telling a story of a recent dream about her (not the one I'd just had, but a dream-within-a-dream) someone came in with a physical object just like the one I'd seen in the meta-dream, saying he'd been making it as a gift for her but that she had died before he could complete it. I gasped and grabbed the person next to me, in shock at seeing the embodiment of something I had only dreamed about. I'd managed to describe enough of it for everyone who was listening to see that the thing he'd brought in was exactly what I'd dreamed about, and all were pretty much stunned.

There was more to it, but the upshot of this dream was that Allison was still around, and in a much better place, but that communicating with us here on earth was complicated and difficult, which was why we/I had not heard much from her. This made me feel a lot better, and I then awoke just enough to shift positions and cuddle up to Jovino and the kitties before drifting off again.

Now, as I face the cold reality of Real Life, I'm trying to do my best to make Sunday's event (at the CMR, where the memorial was - contact me if you need the 411) the best it can be.

I am torn between feelings of crushing loss, and wanting to feel that everything is ok. I know the truth is somewhere in the middle, and that whatever I do will be ok, but it is tough not to obsess about trying to make everything the best it can be, and worrying about Sunday.

I know stuff is just stuff, but I also know that things like this can be really important to the survivors. I feel that making it into a clothing swap with a specialized element cheapens the reality of the situation, which is that we are offering Allison's things up to those who cared about her. But then again, I am Not In Charge... so I can only do what I can do... and that part has been decided already. So all I can do is do my best to facilitate the parts that I see as important, and hope that that is enough.

Sorry for all the whining and negativity here. Overall, my life is really good (see my previous post for deets!) but this is one area that is painful and sad, and I just don't know how to get past it. Also, the very act of thinking about this stuff has bumped me back into the "o noes" of the loss of my very dear friend (who was truly amazing and who had a perspective like no other - as I have said before, if I was this distraught over anything else I know she would have been the best person to turn to for a new perspective or a loving pep talk) and ain't nothing going to bring that back.
Tags: allison, depression, dreams, sad

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