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those days are gone forever... I should just let them go - adventures of a red-headed stepchild in the house of love — LiveJournal
mermaid on the mic
those days are gone forever... I should just let them go
so, tonight we took down the xmas tree. it was all well and good until it got to the point of me having to decide what to do with the photos of Allison. (Even though she actually looks happy in one of them.)

when suddenly...

I am back to:

God DAMN it.

I still can't quite seem to let go.

I know I need to...

but I just can't yet.

I'm really grateful (really, REALLY grateful) to Erin/Cheeky for letting me have her perfume. I can't wear it, because the kittens freak out at the strong (and somewhat musky) scent.

But... I can go into my room every now and then, and have a little whiff. Strange as it may seem, it does me good.

Thanks, Erin.

And, now that FurCon is past, I am going to get going on my candle project.

If *you* want a candle with a picture of Allison, scented with her lovely perfume, comment here (be sure to sign your name if you don't have an lj account) or send me email (check out my profile page here to see how to do that.)

I'm also still working on my con report, and will eventually post it. Right now I am just not in the right headspace for that, though.

Champagne for my Real Friends, and Real Pain for my Sham Friends!

I'm feeling: melancholy melancholy
I'm hearing: my sweet kitty Bruce, purring on my lap

5 smooches or Gimme Some Love!
mythos_amante From: mythos_amante Date: January 27th, 2007 05:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm sorry, M! :(

WOW! You're making candles with her perfume? What an amazingly thoughtful way to spread her presence and warmth in the world!
bearfairie From: bearfairie Date: January 27th, 2007 07:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
Letting go is tricky business. Cuz it often seems like one needs to let go of the whole thing - pain, memories, preoccupation, love, everything - in order to be able to move on. But in my opinion, that's simply not true.

We never stop loving them. We never stop missing them. And we never entirely stop being mad that they aren't around, I think. There's always gonna be a hole where she once was, and nothing's ever gonna fill it. But eventually other things, other loves, good memories, distractions shrink the hole to a manageable size. I think eventually the hole becomes a hole in your world, and not so much a hole in your heart. But babe? You're not there yet and furthermore you really don't have to be.

Cut yourself some slack :). This shit is hard, and noone expects you to be "over it" now. It hasn't even been a year, ya know?

My background is Jewish, and I was raised relatively religious and very very ethnic. Tho I don't really pray to that god, there was some smart things I picked up from my people, and one of them is the concept of a "mourning year". We consider the first entire year after someone's died to be a period of mourning, and culturally there are things you do every day to honor that grief process. I'd recommend maybe finding ways to sit with the grief and loss every day. Eventually you'll find that the sitting time becomes a time to remember happy things. Eventually you may hear her voice say to you when you sit, "girl, you got things to do! What are you sitting around here for?"

I don't think you have to let anything go. Maybe you just need to make the space to take it in and let it flow on its own timetable, since the grief will take its own sweet time anyway :).

In the meantime, **big bear hugs** from me, and be sure to cuddle the kitty angels and your bunnyboy.
silverfae From: silverfae Date: January 28th, 2007 05:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
M, there's nothing more I can say that this friend of yours hasn't said already. (with a side thank-you for the info on sitting with the grief).

Yes, it's the anniversaries of things that get to us, suddenly feeling that awful whoosh as the air gets pulled out of our bodies, realizing that person is missing from some event that comes along. And I think grief is more of a cycle of waves, moving forward and backward through it, than an actual linear process.

Mucho love and huggums in the meantime...

pyrokitten_mew From: pyrokitten_mew Date: January 27th, 2007 08:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
i agree about taking all the time you need to grieve. there is no formula that says "it's been X number of days, you should be over it now." everyone - and every loss - is different. i think beating yourself up for not moving on probably just makes you feel worse.

also, i would love an alleycat candle. that is a lovely way to honor her.
velvona From: velvona Date: January 29th, 2007 06:06 pm (UTC) (Link)

You will let go...

When you are ready.

These things take time, and in our uber-productive, shiny, happy world, we're not supposed to acknowledge that anything is less than perfect. Because we have such an unhealthy relationship with death, despair and grieving, when we go into that mode, we don't know how to handle it.

You are doing the right things, taking care of yourself, filling your life with goodness, crying when you need to cry. It hasn't even been two months. Cut yourself some slack, sweetie!

And when you have to be sad, know that you are alive, and you are human, because you can FEEL.
5 smooches or Gimme Some Love!