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Amazing... - adventures of a red-headed stepchild in the house of love
mermaid on the mic
djmermaid
djmermaid
Amazing...
(So... I wrote this about a week ago, but never finished it enough to post, so I'm posting it now. Because it is WAY too good to just let it go unrecorded!)


I am SO HAPPY in my life right now.


(Last) Monday night Jovino and I had the most amazing interaction. We'd been sewing, then went to chill out a bit before going to bed, as we usually do. What happened instead was that his mood went from silly (we'd both been laughing so hard at this and that) to deeply serious.

He'd been reading his lj friends page and one of the postings brought up some intense memories for him. He intently typed away on a response, but took a break to let me know what was going on with him. It was an amazing download. He related his memories, his feelings about them, and then went on to talk about us and our relationship. He told me that he saw that we were so in sync (except when we're not - heh - but he is right, it's not a 100% sync and it can really be tough when we are trying to get back on track, especially since we kinda get spoiled, being used to being so in sync so much of the time.) He said he knew I was The One because of this. I was SO HAPPY! I thought my head might split in two from smiling.

To be honest, I have known for a long time that he is The One for me. It's blindingly obvious to me! (Although I'd never said anything about it, because I felt that just knowing it was enough for me, and I didn't want to make him feel pressured or anything like that.) Keep in mind that I say this as a girl who has deeply questioned the whole concept of "The One" (and for a long time, too) - but when it is right here looking me in the eye... well, what can I do? I have to admit it. That's just it - What It Is. I feel SO LUCKY to be with this man, to have the relationship we do.



An aside:

When we were out at burning man, we came across a piece called "Rock/Slide" which consisted of a small plastic slide (between 2' and 3' tall) and a bunch of rocks which all had the word "HOPE" written on one side. You were supposed to choose a rock, think about your biggest fear, and project the fear into the rock. Then you rolled it down the slide, and if it came up with the word HOPE facing up, your fear would be transformed into hope.

I was moved to try it. By far, my biggest fear is that I will do something stupid and fuck up this wonderful relationship we have. He is the best, most suitable, caring, supportive and loving partner I have had in my entire life (no exaggeration!) and my greatest fear truly is losing or damaging what we have, through some asinine, unnecessary stupidity on my part.

So I got this in my head, focused, and rolled the rock down the slide. The rock came up with HOPE facing up!!!!! This sparked the realization that I could perceive my fear as a hope - rephrase it from "I fear I will screw up and lose this precious, wonderful relationship" to "I HOPE I can live up to this precious, wonderful relationship, and be as good to him as he is to me!" A much more positive way of looking at things. I am very grateful to the creators of the Rock/Slide for this transformation in my thinking. Looking towards the positive is always best (and most productive! How can you work towards a negative?!)


Back to the present, sitting on the couch in Oakland:

He also told me that he was fully convinced that he was - right then and there - at the absolute midpoint of his life; that he only had 40 more years (plus change) left. This actually made me cry. I truly cannot bear the thought of living without him. It is like my attatchent to every other relationship I have had, added together and then doubled! It's the one downside to loving so much. And it's tough for me to keep reminding myself that Hope works better than Fear.

He was totally sanguine about it, kept going on about how it had to happen sometime and now he knew when it would be, basically had all these pithy responses to my sadness - well, until I finally said "ok, so you are convinced that you are going to die on the 2nd of October when you're 80. In that case, I just hope that I go first, because I don't want to live without you."

Then he got it. He looked all worried and said "no, I'm not into that!"

So, we decided that since we do have to die at some point, having it be at the same time would be ideal, so neither would have to live without the other.

I said, "right, so maybe we'll be giggling, watching some fucked up clip on whatever the future version of YouTube turns out to be, and our heads both ASSPLODE! BAM!!! You know, like those aliens who can't stand yodelling in Mars Attacks!" Really - how rad would that be? (Well, I guess it'd be unfortunate for whoever had to clean it up, since our heads would not be enclosed in glass spheres... butanyway.)

When we finally got into bed I explained that I have always loved Saturday more than Sunday, because Saturday still had most of the weekend ahead of it, while Sunday was the down side, edging ever closer to Monday. So I was just not feeling ready to face that Satuday could be over, not yet. *I* have not had 40 years with him! We have only been together for just over two years. I want MORE!

He reminded me that it wasn't really Sunday yet - more like Saturday night at midnight, with the party totally going off, the DJ throwing down the best music, and everyone dancing and having fun, and that even when it did turn over to Sunday there would still be a lot of good times and chilling to experience. That made me feel better. And then came the part where I hope we didn't wake up our housemate, or scare the neighbors.

Around 5 we were totally worn out. We slept like rocks until the #(*%^Y#*($^ alarm went off at 9:30 just like it always does. Just writing about this makes me wish for a nap! I can hardly wait until we are both doing bunnywarez (and ONLY bunnywarez!) all the time! It's going to happen. We are going to MAKE it happen!

I love this man with ALL my heart. I love our life together. And it is only getting better. Our business is taking off - which means that we will have more time together, focusing on it. We work together so well!

I feel SO fucking GRATEFUL!


And, in the spirit of National Coming-Out Day, I'm posting this here straight-up, no filters. This is me coming out as a one-man woman, something I NEVER thought I would be once I tried the poly life.

That's right - I no longer have the tiniest smidge of desire to date or be in a romantic relationship with anyone but Jovino. I am SO IN LOVE! I really can't see finding anything better than this (or even anywhere near as good) and I have no inclination to waste my time dating when I could be with my wonderful, amazing man. Especially since, as he says, our time on earth is running out! (And even though he has repeatedly assured me that it would be ok if I did want to see other people.)

If you are reading this, I hope you find (or have found) love as fulfilling and wonderful as what I am experiencing.

Tags: , , , , ,
I'm feeling: loved so in LOVE!
I'm hearing: Fear and Love - Morcheeba

23 smooches or Gimme Some Love!
Comments
broncochick From: broncochick Date: October 12th, 2006 02:06 am (UTC) (Link)
Your post has given me so much joy! Lovely.

Like you, I am truly fortunate. My relationship with Laura is full and sensual, loving and bright. We're in our sixth year, you know! Beauty divine, that is how I see my life with Laura. xoxo!
theassassinnox From: theassassinnox Date: October 12th, 2006 02:56 am (UTC) (Link)
*hugs* I know _exactly_ how you feel (though I am yet to have that specific conversation with my Tall One.

I am so happy for the both of you. <3

~S
evilmommytina From: evilmommytina Date: October 12th, 2006 03:15 am (UTC) (Link)

You and I...

should start a club...

The ONE WOMAN-ONE WOMAN - ugh - ONE WOMAN/ONE MAN club!

I know EXACTLY how you are feeling.

Ain't it NICE!???

:::grin:::
jetkat From: jetkat Date: October 12th, 2006 03:30 am (UTC) (Link)
Katlandia is happy that you are both happy.
*we do small happy dance around livingroom*
Can I rub against you this weekend in LA and maybe some happy will rub off on me?
morleyroarly From: morleyroarly Date: October 12th, 2006 04:00 am (UTC) (Link)
Hear hear, sistah! Finding "The One" is pretty goddamn amazing. Tom and I have had a habit of looking at each other a lot and saying "Wow, I can't belive you're really here" often coupled with "TEEHEE!!!!"

Big hugs to both of you. You *emanate* your oneness so visibly and beautifully out into the world!
From: ninarawkstah Date: October 12th, 2006 04:21 am (UTC) (Link)
absolutely WONDERFUL!!
badwox From: badwox Date: October 12th, 2006 04:35 am (UTC) (Link)
I _HOPE_ I find the love you have. I, too, am at that midway point in my life. The more I read about you and Jovino, the more I realize that yer my kind of folks. But I am entrenched in a life that does not make me happy in a relationship where I oftern feel like I am expressing love one-way. I hope that this is not a look at the next 40 years of my life. I HOPE I can find someone that appreciates me as much as I can appreciate the other.

In the end I knw he does love me, but I am an intensely physical person, and he never touches me.. I hope tonight he makes love to me, but it's been almost 6 years since he has done that, and I am not counting on it. I feel like hope is a well that can run dry if it is not refilled with fruition. I know your well will never run dry. I _HOPE_ mine never does...
mythos_amante From: mythos_amante Date: October 12th, 2006 04:46 am (UTC) (Link)
AH, so sweet! I love you guys! Happinesses!
sugar_in_action From: sugar_in_action Date: October 12th, 2006 06:04 am (UTC) (Link)

My comment is:

Happy happy joy joy yay. The end.
From: catwoman69y2k Date: October 12th, 2006 06:16 am (UTC) (Link)
This post makes me feel warm and fuzzy all over.
From: cinnamon_grrrl Date: October 12th, 2006 06:32 am (UTC) (Link)
Awesome :)
djdigit From: djdigit Date: October 12th, 2006 07:47 am (UTC) (Link)
Wooot! That's beautiful, and from the little I've seen you and Jovino interact, I can see it, too. :) I've found that kind of connection, too, with sunyata__, though it's not a one-man/one-woman relationship (and I really don't feel like it's lessened any by that). We're often like, "where did I find you?!" and pointing out how lucky we are.

I love hearing about other couples in awesome relationships and I'm particularly happy it's you! :D
caffeina From: caffeina Date: October 12th, 2006 11:25 am (UTC) (Link)
:-(
sabotlours From: sabotlours Date: October 12th, 2006 03:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
Awwww. I'm so glad to hear that you 2 are so happy together. I hope this feeling never fades for the 2 of you.
xoxoxtc From: xoxoxtc Date: October 12th, 2006 05:04 pm (UTC) (Link)

Another

cheer for you finding love like this. It's uplifting to see two people fit so well together. It gives me hope for my own future.
From: snallison Date: October 12th, 2006 06:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
can i get a whoop whoop?
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: November 5th, 2010 11:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
Allison! oh, how I miss you, girl!

we are getting married this summer! I wish you could be there.
idiva From: idiva Date: October 12th, 2006 07:54 pm (UTC) (Link)
I so very happy for the both of you. I can so relate with your post. I know M is "The One"(tm) even though I believe that there are many potential "Ones" out there.

I lived the poly life, I left the poly life. In practice I'm pretty much monogamous. I often don't see the point of being with anybody other than M_. Time is too precious -- may you both have as much of it as possible.
penguingrrl From: penguingrrl Date: October 13th, 2006 04:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you for sharing this. It almost made me cry. I am happy to have been a witness to your amazing journey of love. You two are awesome peeps together. Like some others have said, it gives me hope.
zoe_serious From: zoe_serious Date: October 16th, 2006 07:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
this post was so yummy I had to dip back in today during my manic Monday at work and have a smile again.

love your bliss and the sharing of it.
jennconspiracy From: jennconspiracy Date: November 3rd, 2006 06:55 am (UTC) (Link)
*mew* - this is fantastic! you sound so happy and positive, and it makes me very delighted to read your fine words. *hugs*
From: (Anonymous) Date: November 16th, 2006 02:19 am (UTC) (Link)
As someone who's not a big fan of poly......

I'm very happy to see this!:D I'll guiltilly admit it. It makes me all gushy mushy inside, and makes you look very mature.<3
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: November 16th, 2006 02:42 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, my dear Anonymous Disliker of Poly,

First off, thank you for the good wishes. I feel all mushy gushy too (even after almost two and a half years!) This relationship is the healthiest I have ever had.

That is not, however, an indictment of poly. Frankly, I have had true poly relationships and I have definitely been in love with more than one person at a time. Sadly though, I have rarely found anyone who could give as good as they got from me in the poly department, and One Way Poly is so not for me. I have had more than one serious relationship with a partner who enjoyed my supportive, family minded actions yet who were unable to do the same for me.

Examples: talking smack to me about another partner, who they knew I deeply loved; telling me what I wanted to hear and then doing exactly what they said they wouldn't; wanting to spend a ton of time with their other partner but being resentful of the time I spent with mine (especially when schedules did not align as they often do not); being pouty in the extreme yet getting aggro should I dare to voice a single reservation about their behaviour... I could go on, but I think I've made myself clear. Too bad for them, as the relationships could have continued had they been more functional. Jovino has been incredibly supportive and flexible and has repeatedly said he does not want to prevent me from being happy. He is a rare one!

So please do not take this as me "becoming mature" or renouncing the concepts or ideals of poly. I still believe in it, whether or not I choose to practice it and I have had many positive experiences and learned a LOT. (Besides, if you are who I think you are, o Anonymous Disliker of Poly, I believe you slept with me and my then-husband a few years back... hmm?)

Anyway, I figured the Monogamy Squad would see this as a vindication of Mono as The One True Way. O wells. I have to follow my heart and be true to *myself* and it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

But, thanks for being happy for me. I can separate that from the part that seems to be judging my previous relationships solely on the basis of them being non-monogamous, and I thank you for that.
23 smooches or Gimme Some Love!