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WTF... - adventures of a red-headed stepchild in the house of love
mermaid on the mic
djmermaid
djmermaid
WTF...
...was I thinking?

So, I was asked to (and agreed to) take on the mapping of my bman village as a collaborative venture with the ex. (Again: what was I thinking?!)

Guess what? It's not going to work.




So, a year after breaking up with him, I have had to deal with him screaming profanities at me on the phone, being rude, and assuming the worst about everything.


I just can't take it any more.


I guess I have to be The Mature One, and walk away.

What really makes me sick about all this is that this is for the BLD, which has been *my* village, ever since it started in, what, '97?

He's only camped there for two or three years - after *I* brought him in.

So, The Problematic Ex is taking over MY Village, and (despite my best efforts) there is Jack Shite I can do about it. Except walk away.

But...

why should I let him push me out, when it was my place to begin with - my friends, people I have known for years and years?

But!

Apparently there is nothing I can do except to stand down myself. He is too pushy - and our mandate to work together (which I did not choose) has no room for the possibility that it would be impossible for us to work it out.

The especially sucky thing here is that *I* was trying to work it out, while he got fed up and screamed for me to "fuck off" and hung up on me.


The position of "The Mature One" is still open. But I can't do it if he won't talk to me. And I just do not feel it is fair for *me* to have to leave my home village, just because *he* cannot deal.



To make matters worse, I feel like I have bent over backwards to treat him fairly, help him out, and generally not just *dump* him, but help him go forward after the end of our relationship. I gave him a for-chrissakes-CAR, for chrissakes! And helped him in innumerable other ways.

And this is how he treats me.



Furthermore, this is coming on the heels of issues with my cat - my cat who lives with my (other) ex, who has a small baby (who both bothers and is bothered by the cat) but won't relent and let me have the cat. Which is making me feel sad and helpless. It's not directly related to this other issue in any way... but it doesn't help.


I'm just feeling really miserable - and like no matter what I do it is not the right thing. Or at least not the helpful thing.



I'm also working on a longer post about my birthday weekend (which was beyond rad)... but obviously it isn't going to happen right now.

I'm feeling: displaced... and angry
I'm hearing: Rewind 5

18 smooches or Gimme Some Love!
Comments
jetkat From: jetkat Date: August 9th, 2006 03:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Something about thoses ex's at NIMBY...

There is always room in Nephology for you and Jovino, if you need it or just need a get away spot.
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: August 9th, 2006 05:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for the offer. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but it is much appreciated. I can't see him leaving the BLD so perhaps that would be the best thing. Do you know where you'll be camping?
jetkat From: jetkat Date: August 9th, 2006 05:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
We are maped at 3:00 and Fate. We have plenty of room.
kshandra From: kshandra Date: August 9th, 2006 05:10 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm so sorry. If I could share some of my good ex karma with you, I would (I'm actually listing dafydd as my on-playa emergency contact this year - hell, he's ESD senior staff, so it's not like he wouldn't know ANYway if I got sick or injured).
From: (Anonymous) Date: August 9th, 2006 05:32 am (UTC) (Link)
I think it's good to walk away from crappy treatement. I hope this doesn't come across as sounding too selfish, but I'm glad I'm not the only one. How do you think I feel with Johnnie Royale now camping in the BLD? I brought him into the community, but he doesn't want to have anything to do with me (except enjoy my friends...without me). That sucks and makes me feel bitter and resentful and betrayed and suspicious. Yay! I get to get over that.

Here's what people say to me: It's a Big Playa. You don't have to be near him. You can walk away. I'm sure he doesn't even care that you're there. Don't give him power. Yeah well, I still think that it's fucked up that everyone is friends with him yet no-one from Spock Mountain calls me anymore. Someone did bother to mention that none of them are worth my time. To which I inquire, "Oh yeah? Then why are YOU hanging out with them?"

Okay. Enough about me. Thanks for listening. Walking away from the task sounds healthy. There are plenty others eager to help, I'm sure. But you don't have to walk away from camp, do you?
dustycrevice From: dustycrevice Date: August 9th, 2006 05:35 am (UTC) (Link)

D'oh!

I thought I was logged in. That last comment was from me. I got nothing to hide here.

xxd
kshandra From: kshandra Date: August 9th, 2006 06:29 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: D'oh!

Hey - I didn't realize you were on this silly thing, too! *waves*
jennconspiracy From: jennconspiracy Date: August 9th, 2006 07:08 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: D'oh!

Excellent advice!
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: August 9th, 2006 06:40 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: D'oh!

Well, *I* am not friends with him. I still think he's an ass. (And he has never done a single thing to convince me otherwise.)

The spock thing was tough - when they requested space in the BLD we discussed it at length, because we knew it would not make you happy. At the same time, the BLD has always been an open village. I don't think that anyone has ever been told they could not camp there.

The downside of that is that you sometimes lose people you would rather not lose, because they opt to leave rather than deal with an uncomfortable (or abusive) situation.

I don't know what the "right" thing for me to do here is, and I do not know what I will choose to do. I sent Davor an email last night about the interaction. I am actually expecting him to just ignore it (he has a tendency to just avoid emails/messages which he expects to find unpleasant or uncomfortable.) So if I get any kind of response at all, I will be surprised.

I do not want to leave the BLD. But I will if I have to, to take care of myself. Then again, the best solution for me may be to do as you have done, and open up about what I have experienced (which I have so far mostly kept to myself, this post being the notable exception.)
velvona From: velvona Date: August 13th, 2006 03:31 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: D'oh!

dude, don't leave.

It's not like you are being exiled by *your* friends. there is one person in particular that you have problems with. and his friends have chosen to take his side. it happens. most people just aren't strong enough to be in the middle and achieve balance.

So many times we make friends with our partner's friends, only to find out that their love for us was based solely on our affiliation with said friend. Several years back, I had to tell an ex-boyfriend of mine to stay away from my friends. He was hounding my female friends (ignoring the male friends), and they were complaining to me that he was a creep and a stalker, and why the hell was he calling them anyhow? That got ugly fast.

There will be one corner of the BLD you won't want to be visiting, but the vast majority of it will be filled with your friends who are happy to have you with them. Don't let him push you around.

Focus on what you do have, not on what you don't.

Best of luck, and have a good year. :)
velvona From: velvona Date: August 13th, 2006 03:32 pm (UTC) (Link)

Ooops!

That comment was meant for Dusty...
penguingrrl From: penguingrrl Date: August 9th, 2006 06:51 am (UTC) (Link)
That is a real bummer. But it seems you made a good decision to just get out. I never understand how someone can get so out of line when working in a team. Teams should be comprised of compromise. I am sorry you have to go through it. I hope you can still camp with your village.
jennconspiracy From: jennconspiracy Date: August 9th, 2006 07:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Hang in there, M - big hugs.
idiva From: idiva Date: August 9th, 2006 01:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm sorry things sucked sweetie pie. I'm proud of you for being so grounded and good to yourself. It's ok to be pissed off, frustrated, hurt, and whatever else you are feeling. Let yourself have those emotions and don't be hard on yourself -- you are a wonderful, amazing human being.

I'm sending you my love. I'm sending your ex love too -- think about how much further he has to go in his journey and find some compassion for him too. Not the type of compassion that means putting up with that type of bullshit. But the compassion of realizing that his karma is in his own hands and he is obviously sending bad energy into the universe. He will reap what he sows.

**hugs**
From: glitterpinkrose Date: August 9th, 2006 02:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
hey ms mermaid, I ran into your lj somewhere out there in the internets, I'm glad I found it... I don't really play on here, but it's nice to know I can drop by sometimes.
I miss your colours, did you know that? I think about pretty ms mermaid sometimes and sigh about being gone.
xxx Ali/strawberry
From: deebeazy Date: August 9th, 2006 04:10 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: FYI

Ack. My sympathies.
evilmommytina From: evilmommytina Date: August 9th, 2006 04:24 pm (UTC) (Link)

FUCK THAT...

Let HIM map it all out - but you most assuredly should still camp with your village - however - that is the risk we take in introducing our *others* to our friends... they very well could fit in JUST AS nicely as we did - and friends should NEVER be forced to take sides.

Hugs, Tina

p.s. I would call him - just once - on a conference call with one other person from the camp - advise him that due to the verbal abuse - you are respectfully taking space - and that you wish him success in the project - and you will come celebrate it at BM... right there in camp with him and all your joint friends.
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: August 9th, 2006 07:13 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: FUCK THAT...

Thanks for the supportive comment. I am SO not trying to get anyone to take sides. All I am trying to do is to avoid any more abusive behaviour. That might mean finding other friends to camp with this year, I don't yet know.

All I know is that I have put up with far too much for far too long. And now I am Done. And I'm also done with shutting up about it. That served only to prolong the abuse, and I'm just not willing to allow that to continue.

As to calling him... if I thought he would answer, I might do that. But he has a history of avoiding communication he expects will be uncomfortable, so I doubt he would answer a call or even look at the email I have sent. I will likely hear nothing from him until I see him on the playa.

So... we will see.
18 smooches or Gimme Some Love!