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I'm Not with Stupid Any More - adventures of a red-headed stepchild in the house of love
mermaid on the mic
djmermaid
djmermaid
I'm Not with Stupid Any More
so yesterday was SF Decompression (a burning man afterparty in the potrero hill neighborhood).

Jovino and I went early so we could participate in a friend's project: a debate between Starry-Eyed Virgins and Jaded Fucks. Jovino was signed up to be a Fuck and I was just planning to hang out and watch (ok, heckle) when I was asked whether I could step in and of course I said yes. and that's how I wound up playing a starry-eyed virgin! LOL. it was actually really fun!

another great moment was seeing the "blue angels" going overhead while hanging out with Salamander and Jovino near a sound system, and realizing that we *couldn't hear them at all* - for once! burning man pwns!

I'd have to agree with Jovino's assessment that decom had elements of both the best and worst aspects of burning man.

the best part of the day was undoubtedly seeing friends. I saw a few folks I rarely run into, and also got some good advice for my new venture (watch this spot, lol). we also at at Goat Hill Pizza - normally I don't blog about food but OMG! next time I want to order *two* pizzas, one to eat there and another to go right into a box for the next day! LOVE that place, I've got to say.

the worst part for me was encountering the abusive ex. I'd known he might be there, but totally did not see him coming up and therefor could not get away without having to interact. when I realized it was him, I immediately wanted to just walk away, but didn't want to bring the dramz so I decided to be polite and just minimally interact. not following my intuition turned out to be the *wrong* answer - as usual!

so, he's still an idiot, still incredibly rude/unaware of how he comes across. I can't BELIEVE I ever had ANYthing to do with that guy! it's so embarrassing. I know everyone makes mistakes, but DAMN! that one was a doozy.

anyway, it kinda went ok at first and then (of course) it all fell apart. for some reason he decided to point out that I don't like him. well, he's right, I don't - and there are REASONS why not! it amazes me that he seems to think that he can get away with treating me the way he has, and just expect me to forget it all. trying to push me into being all chummy like nothing ever happened = fail.

he fucking betrayed me, he beat the crap outta me, and he took advantage of my kindness, lied to me, and stole from me. damn right I don't like him!

so, he flipped out on me, and angrily stormed off while yelling about how I was "a small person". it was actually scary, his anger is SO intense, poorly controlled and so close to the surface. if I hadn't been around so many other people I would have really been afraid. as it was, I had to get away from the area to feel safe again.

and really, fuck that guy. he acts all condescending - like he is doing me some sort of favor by interacting with me, when if I never saw him again in my life I would be so relieved. the more he says, the worse it gets. he tries to be friendly but he's SO clueless and downright rude! it's embarrassing.

really, I'm amazed he even tried to talk to me at all after our interactions a few weeks ago when he tried to get me to dj his (out of town) wedding - for FREE (not that I would do it for any price, but it just adds to the insanity and self-entitlement). he even said "please" - in the very last line of the email, when he was telling me what kind of music he wanted. SRSLY!

the upshot of that was that we exchanged a few rounds of email, I again had to remind him why I hate him, and I thought maybe that would be it for a while. and then this happens! funny thing, the email interaction went kinda like, first he steps on my boundary, then he apologizes, I respond to that (and not unkindly) and then he tried to give me a load of utterly self-serving bullshit. it was like a microcosm of our relationship!

so anyway, I'm not with stupid any more, thank god!!! maybe some day Stupid will get enough of a clue to Leave Me The Fuck Alone and quit trying to act all chummy! I understand that he wants to think of himself as the kind of guy who everyone likes but that isn't the case. and he can keep trying to bully me into being friendly with him, but the fact is, it just ain't going to happen.

I also know that I am NOT the first partner he has been physically violent to. for some reason (maybe because it's just easier to go along with him) both of the other women I know of who he has assulted are friendly with him. one of them lives out of state and rarely sees him, and I know she didn't talk to him for a long time after their breakup. I'm guessing she just gave in eventually, he wore her down, as he is attempting to do with me. the other one is a survivor of some really horrific stuff, so maybe what he did pales in comparison. I once saw her right after he hit her, and as you might expect she was very upset - but for some reason she is still friendly with the asshole. I can't judge either one of them, I like them both and no one can know their lives except for them. but whatever, it isn't going to work on me.

I wish he'd figure that out already! if you talk to him, maybe you could put in a good word for just AVOIDING me, if the topic ever comes up?

but anyway, enough about him and his bullshit.

overall I was glad I went and it did reinforce the idea that we made the right choice this year as far as staying in town but having one hell of a party. I'm thinking we just may do that again next year!

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15 smooches or Gimme Some Love!
Comments
From: silussa Date: October 13th, 2009 08:43 am (UTC) (Link)
Having had several coworkers in abusive relationships, and for that matter having grown up with my parents in one...some people seem just to need to confirm their own control by abusing their partner. It's sad in a way, and it's lousy to live in. And the only knowledge I have of them getting better is in my father's case, he was only emotionally abusive by the time I came along.

Some of the stories from when he was younger....*shudder*

djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: October 14th, 2009 01:22 am (UTC) (Link)
thank you for the kind words. fortunately I was smart enough (and able) to get OUT.
From: silussa Date: October 18th, 2009 08:13 am (UTC) (Link)
The really sad part is all the people who feel it's their fault, and continue in those relationships. At least you DID have the strength to walk (run?!) away.
avocado_tom From: avocado_tom Date: October 13th, 2009 02:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
I understand that he wants to think of himself as the kind of guy who everyone likes but that isn't the case. and he can keep trying to bully me into being friendly with him, but the fact is, it just ain't going to happen.

I'm glad to hear that someone else is as stubborn on this type of thing as I am. While my situation was not in any way shape or form as bad as yours, I similarly refuse to let myself be bullied into being someone's friend (or at least appearing to be) just because they want to feel good about themselves. What annoys me more is that I have to spend energy on it though.

Good on ya!
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: October 14th, 2009 01:23 am (UTC) (Link)
thanks!@ I do feel god about sticking to/up for my boundaries. he's not going to respect them so I have to do double duty. but I think next time it might be time to step it up and outright say: never talk to me again!
cymbeline From: cymbeline Date: October 13th, 2009 07:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
Glad to hear you had fun at Decom despite running into "Stupid". Sticking to your boundaries over and over is working, despite his efforts to push on them. Its not easy to hold fast to them at times. (((hugs)))

I was there for a bit in the evening, did a performance set and then wandered around with the kids. Fun to experience things through their eyes.
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: October 14th, 2009 01:24 am (UTC) (Link)
ohh, wish I'd known you were dancing!

thanks for the hugs. glad to hear you got to dance and the kids enjoyed the event. other than the loud sound systems it seems like a perfect event for kids since there is so much to see and do.
arletterocks From: arletterocks Date: October 13th, 2009 07:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
>so, he flipped out on me, and angrily stormed off while yelling about how I was "a small person".

Ah. Right. See, that's where you went wrong -- everyone knows the bigger person is the one who pitches a tantrum in public when their cack-handed effort at diplomacy flops. I mean, DUH, M.

That said ... you've done the diplomatic thing; maybe it's time for a serious throw-down. A well-placed "I HATE YOU FOREVER SO NEVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN" might do the trick, no?

(PS knitting!!!! Hanging out!!!!!)
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: October 14th, 2009 01:26 am (UTC) (Link)
LO-freakin-L!

yeah, like my dad used to say, "when dealing with a mule, you must first get the mule's attention." gonna try that next time!

and HELLS YES to knitting, hanging out, etc! I've been thinking about doing a Small Craft Advisory over here some time... also a clothing exchange (not at the same time though, lol.)
catwoman69y2k.insanejournal.com From: catwoman69y2k.insanejournal.com Date: October 13th, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well, I have to agree that I tend to keep my distance from those who dont like me or that I had huge problems with. Drama = bad. Still, if they come up to me and talk, Ill be civil and engage. Overall, it sounds less like that was related to Burning Man, SF Decom or the burning man "scene"(if you can even call it as such).
djmermaid From: djmermaid Date: October 14th, 2009 01:28 am (UTC) (Link)
oh yeah, it had nothing to do with burning man other than (1) being at decom and (2) running into unpleasant drunks can be part of the playa experience. SO over it!

and I did attempt to be civil and engage a little, and he just pushed it too far. again. oh, well!
catwoman69y2k.insanejournal.com From: catwoman69y2k.insanejournal.com Date: October 14th, 2009 01:33 am (UTC) (Link)
Yeah. I have had similar things happen to people within the furry scene. All you can do is practice civility, and you will do it with flourish if that person truly isnt something that drives your life (ie...you are so over them). When they act out (because they clearly are not over you), its not you who is looking like the jackass and spreading negativity. You are having fun. So its a win-win. :)
nici13 From: nici13 Date: October 14th, 2009 09:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
"I wish he'd figure that out already! if you talk to him, maybe you could put in a good word for just AVOIDING me, if the topic ever comes up?"

If by "talk to" you mean Knee Capp that fool, yes I'd be happy to give him a permanent limp, i mean reminder on why you should be AVOIDED....

*all sweetness and light* Just introduce us!
From: cinnamon_grrrl Date: October 17th, 2009 05:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
I don't know what to suggest. I don't think he's trying to be friendly with you because he wants to be friends -- it sounds more like it's a control thing. I also think he's not clueless -- he knows exactly what he's doing. Normally I'd say ignore him and hope he goes away, but in this case, maybe causing a scene and publicly humiliating him would make it too unpleasant for him to do anything other than leave you alone.
I hope you're doing OK. Sorry we missed you at decom.
crimsonmau From: crimsonmau Date: November 6th, 2009 10:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am glad you got out!!!!!!!!!! xoxox
15 smooches or Gimme Some Love!