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the present moment - adventures of a red-headed stepchild in the house of love
mermaid on the mic
djmermaid
djmermaid
the present moment
there is quite a lot going on in my head right now. overall, things are good (if by "good" you mean "for the very most part excellent, amazing, wonderful, with scattered anxiety and ongoing challenges.") there are, of course, a few rough spots here and there - and I expect there always will be.

Jovino continues to be the most amazing partner EVAR, and to accompany me into new levels of trust and love. that's huge!

example: a couple of days ago we were working on homework and talking about things, and the conversation took a turn towards an area of the past where neither one of us is inclined to tread - specifically my involvement in a relationship which ultimately turned out to be abusive. he knew basic stuff about it, but it wasn't something we'd ever discussed much, probably due to it being a challenging and painful subject for us both.

the way this relationship ultimately played out is something that has bothered me for some time, in that I had long resolutely believed that if I was ever in a relationship which became abusive, I would be strong, protect myself, and end things immediately. sounds good, right? yet, when it was actually happening to me that is not at all how it went.

in fact, it took me months to get my head around what had happened, and to end things.

since then, I have often (pardon the metaphor) "beat myself up" over my inability to immediately take a firm stand and remove the individual from my life.

I spent a lot of time fretting and second-guessing myself around this. I'd even considered going in for counselling, but never did - for one thing, it was a long time before I could talk about it at all, and then I guess it just didn't reach the threshold of urgency that would have had me make an appointment. so, for many months it remained a background issue.

then, the other day, Jovino and I were working on homework and talking, and the subject of abusive relationships came up - specifically mental vs physical abuse. and I got started talking about my experiences, in more depth than I had ever gone with anyone before, even him.

I talked a bit about the night that it all went down, and then about subsequent events.

and suddenly, I *got* it. something shifted in my understanding of that time and those events. it was like a light going on (which I know is a huge cliche' - but there are reasons cliches are made!)

so, I was finally able to release it all, to let it go - because I'd come to a point where I actually *understood* why I reacted as I did back then, and why I'd made the choices that I made. (which is not to say that they were the "right" choices, nor that I would do the same thing if, heaven forfend, I should be faced with a similar situation again - but simply that I now *get* the me of then, and I can understand why I did what I did, which allows me to view myself and my history with compassion rather than shame and disgust.)

this has released me from a HUGE weight which I had been carrying!

it's late, and I need to get to bed, but I just wanted to express my appreciation around all of this. it has been incredibly healing for me to move forward from fretting over this ugly scar on my life history. and my man once again shows himself to be a REALLY good man - putting my need to talk about this incredibly uncomfortable topic ahead of his own comfort level. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

I'm feeling: tired tyord

8 smooches or Gimme Some Love!
Comments
robotter From: robotter Date: March 23rd, 2007 01:47 pm (UTC) (Link)

Wow!

I don't even know Jovino, and I love him for being a supportive partner, for listening to you, and for giving you space to figure things out for yourself.

One of the worst parts of any trauma is the blaming of oneself. I know that i endlessly blamed myself for what happened to me (of course, it didn't help that everyone else blamed me too, reinforcing how I was feeling).

Life is a learning process, and ultimately the biggest missteps we take are the ones that help us learn the most.

I'm glad you've gotten peace and healing around this situation. Forgiving yourself is huge. You are an amazing woman, and you really deserve the best life has to offer you.

Big-ass hugs and kisses coming your way!
sabotlours From: sabotlours Date: March 23rd, 2007 02:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
Awwww. You 2 are so sweet together.
zoe_serious From: zoe_serious Date: March 23rd, 2007 02:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
That gave me chills, the powerful ones when you know you're hearing the truth and it's important. Thanks for sharing, it's what makes all this worth it to see, watch and witness the transformations that we can all go through and support each other through it.
badwox From: badwox Date: March 23rd, 2007 04:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
Time, and communication help heal a lot of wounds. Time to understand, is the hardest part. Then you can't keep it bottled up, you need to vent. It took me about 15 years to come to terms with my own problem, and be able to openly talk aboutit... Before tha ttime, I covered it with lies, and swept it under the carpet,a nd tried to pretend it didn;t exist. Why? because when I thought about it, my fea, and lack of understanding of my problem... it controlled me, I did not control it, and that frightened me.

I bet you feel a sense of empowerment now, from being able to understand your problem, AND be able to talk about it with someone. It's a huge step forward. For me, it was like a cool sunny morning after a month of rain.
silverfae From: silverfae Date: March 23rd, 2007 05:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yay! You know, it took me less time to forgive my abuser than it did to forget the pain and how helpless I felt. But most of all, it took the longest time to forgive myself for letting it get to that point.
That's where the therapy came into it for me. Interestingly, a lot of the trigger memories were taken care of by my therapist being willing to try alternative therapy methods such as EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. The funny part is that she originally went to the training to totally debunk it and then found out that it worked, and now uses it in her practice if the patient asks for it.
From: catwoman69y2k Date: March 23rd, 2007 05:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
This makes me happy that you finally could clear the issue out. It can rot and fester in one's brain especially if there is alot of feelings of doubt, inadequacy or guilt from failure associated with it.

Jovino is a lucky guy and you are a lucky girl...that is for sure.
porsupah From: porsupah Date: March 23rd, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sometimes, for any of a multitude of reasons, we may know, intellectually, what the right course of action is, but won't take it. Maybe it's a deep-rooted desire for things to be given another chance, maybe there's depression.. so many things can form cages unseen and unknown to virtually everyone else. Breaking those down is definitely a tremendous relief, when the time comes.
thecatsmeowww From: thecatsmeowww Date: April 28th, 2007 03:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
"Jovino continues to be the most amazing partner EVAR"...I am SO happy for you!!! It is awesome when you find the right partner or partners in my case :)
8 smooches or Gimme Some Love!